8 Things Never to Say to a Mom of an Only Child

by Suzanne Murray September 19, 2012 at 11:53 PM

number one I've got one child. It might be by choice. It might not be. It doesn't matter. It's personal. Still, that doesn't stop people from asking if I'll have more, when I'll have more, why don't I have more. Or stop them from telling me I have to have more, my life is no good without more, I'm not a "real" mom without more.

Hurtful.

Insulting.

Ignorant.

Rude.

These are declarations that I -- and other moms of only children -- really don't want to hear. Questions we really don't want to answer. So be kind. Take the time to read this list -- and the next time you find yourself saying something like this to another mother, bite your lip, and give her a sweet compliment instead.

"When are you having another baby?" This is wrong for all kinds of reasons. Maybe I don't want another baby. Maybe I desperately want another baby (and can't have one for whatever reason -- feel like a jerk now?). Maybe I'm currently pregnant and don't want anyone to share the news just yet. Maybe I've just had a miscarriage and I'm in mourning (again with the jerk thing). I'll have another baby when I want to, if I can, and when I'm ready. Until then, not your business. Wait for the baby notice in the mail. Seriously, don't ask.
"Oh, you 'don't know' cause you haven't had your second one yet." Don't know? Don't know what? I know exactly what it's like to be a mother. Last time I checked, one kid is all you need.
"You're so lucky you can [fill in the blank] because you've got only one kid." So true, so true. Because I have only one child, I spend my days lounging around, watching soap operas (are those still on?), and eating bon bons. I'm thinking you might have one confused with none. I still do need to read Good Night Moon a thousand times (in one sitting), kiss boo boos, watch this ... watch this ... watch this!, survive with no sleep, go to the pediatrician, worry, wash crayons off walls, deal with mommy playground politics, do laundry, plan birthday parties, take showers, cook dinner, potty train, go to Mommy & Me class, have food spit in my face ... you get the picture. See that? One. None. That N makes all the difference.
"Every child needs a brother or sister." If I don't want another child, I'm pretty sure I disagree with that statement. And I probably believe that my kid can have a happy, fulfilling life and won't turn out to be a serial killer. But if I do believe in the importance of siblings and feel beyond guilty for not being able to give my son or daughter one, then congratulations -- you just made me feel even worse.
"Well. It's easy for you to be in shape because you were only pregnant once." That MUST be it. It really has nothing to do with the fact that I exercise and eat right. The one-kid thing is totally why all moms of singletons look like triathletes and moms of more are fat slobs.
"It's so hard with three kids." The inverse of #3, but still, worth repeating. Are you implying that my job as mom isn't as hard as yours? For those of you who stay home with your three kids 24/7, or work and come home to your three kids, I'd agree. My hat is off to you and you can stop reading now. But for those of you who want to tell us single-kid moms how hard it is to have three kids, it's probably best not to do it at these times: a) When I see you in the coffee shop with my kid in tow, where you're meeting a friend for lunch (followed by a pedicure!) after having done your morning workout class. b) When I run by you on the road struggling with my 40-pound kid in a 20-pound jog stroller as you come breezing by, enjoying a long luxurious run because you just dropped your 3-year-old off at "school" and your 8-week-old twins off at daycare. c) Just after you've told me that you're going away on a four-day spa trip because you need some "alone" time when I haven't spent a night away from my "just one" ... ever. You might "have" three (a blessing not a burden!), but my one is always with me.
"Don't you want to try for a girl/boy?" Sort of like #1, but worse. Are you saying the gender I got "stuck" with isn't good enough? Or is it that my life will somehow be incomplete if I don't have one of each?
"Are you trying for another one?" I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I'm having sex?

A final bit of advice: Don't repeat all (or any) of the above EVERY SINGLE TIME we see you. We didn't appreciate it the first time.

Moms with "just one" kid -- what would you add to this list?

More from The Stir: 5 Things Never to Say to an Adoptive Parent

More from The Stir: 20 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

More from The Stir: 10 Things You Should Never Ever Say to a Divorcee

Image via andrechinn/Flickr

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Filed Under: a mom's life, infertility, siblings, miscarriage & loss, trying to conceive

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Suzanne Murray

is the Parenting & Political editor at The Stir/Moms Matter 2012.

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Comments 573

DGmomma

September 20, 2012 at 9:52 AM

Wow really? I replied respectfully and you go on some psycho ramage.

I was simply referring to #3. Being a mom period is hard as shit but obviously it gets harder the more you have.

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momof3cuties987

September 20, 2012 at 9:54 AM

People who have lots of kids get rude comments about that all the time too. All of you only child advocates are waaaay too sensitive. Get over yourself. And if you only have one child through your own choice and not infertility you are lazy and selfish. Stop spoiling your kid!

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Nonmember comment from guest

September 20, 2012 at 9:54 AM

Spoiled tendencies aren't always from only children. I know plenty of children with siblings who cry about everything and get what ever they want so that is a very stupid thing to say. Those children act like that because their parents let them. NOT because they dont have a brother or sister. You can have one child and teach them how to socialize and share and know that they cant get everything they want. Dont be so ignorant and think only children are spoiled.

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Facebook comment from Christy Robinson Spradling

September 20, 2012 at 9:55 AM

I think people get way too worked up over nothing. I have only one child right now, and people ask me all the time when/if we'll have more. In my experience, it's just people trying to make conversation. I'm guilty of asking the same questions. I just had my 2nd miscarriage, but still I don't get offended when people ask those questions. And if you don't want more, just say so. If others don't like that answer, that's their problem, not yours. And if you can't, and people tell you that they were able to get pregnant even when they thought they couldn't, don't take that as insulting or offensive, it's just their way of trying to give you hope. I don't think there are any sinister intentions when asked these questions about expanding your family. It's just peoples' way of showing an interest in your life, which to me (even if I feel it's no one else's business) is just a friendly gesture of showing what you have going on in your life matters. Quit getting worked up over the little things.

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Nonmember comment from guest

September 20, 2012 at 10:04 AM

momof3cuties987-just because people have one child by choice does NOT make them lazy or selfish and it does NOT mean our child is spoiled. Some people dont have another kid by choice because they know they cannot afford it or take proper care of more than one. If you can good for you but that doesnt make us lazy, selfish, and our child spoiled. I have one child now and I dont have another because as of now I cannot afford it.When my husband and I are financially stable we will have another child. Does that make me lazy and selfish? You need to get over yourself and look at the reasons why not everyone has more than one child.

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Nonmember comment from Guest

September 20, 2012 at 10:05 AM

To all of you who think, we, parents of only children, are being sensitive, well... you obviously have been very lucky in getting pregnant. Until you have had fertility issues, you JUST don't understand how hurtful these comments are. That's what this article is all about. The author is just saying that all these comments are hurtful and insensitive because it reminds us of our struggles, our losses, or whatever difficulties we've had to overcome. Think before you speak.

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theresaphilly

September 20, 2012 at 10:11 AM

I can't understand why folks with one child cannot make that child behave.

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Nonmember comment from Megan

September 20, 2012 at 10:12 AM

"you got lucky with your first child because he was such a good baby but when you have your second child you'll get your payback." - how do you know what a second childs temperment will be? Maybe he won't be as good or maybe he will but for gods sake don't act like the gods are out to get me because my first child was a "good baby." Or imply I really don't know the strains of motherhood because my only child is so "good." - jealous much?

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Facebook comment from Wendy Matson Bergonse

September 20, 2012 at 10:16 AM

I get asked about having more kids ALL THE TIME. Sometimes even when I'm meeting the person for the first time, I have to explain that I'm too old to have more children and depending on the situation, I may even share that it took years of fertility treatments just to get the one I already have. And they still don't seem to feel bad for having asked!!!

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mommaoftwo

September 20, 2012 at 10:19 AM

other then #1 I don't really agree with you. Of course people shouldn't SAY these things, but having one who hounds you all day and begs for goodnight moon is a lot easier then coordinating bathes and stories and making sure the one in shower gets all the soap out, while the one in bed is BEGGING for another story.

Sometimes it is easier because they occupy each other, but other times they all want your attention at exactly the same moment.

Why is your kid still in a stroller?? 60 lbs hes got to be at least 4 or 5, and capable of walking. Maybe it is a city thing, I know I have tied the baby to my back and put the three yr old in the stroller when we go to the big city.

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