I've got one child. It might be by choice. It might not be. It doesn't matter. It's personal. Still, that doesn't stop people from asking if I'll have more, when I'll have more, why don't I have more. Or stop them from telling me I have to have more, my life is no good without more, I'm not a "real" mom without more.
Hurtful.
Insulting.
Ignorant.
Rude.
These are declarations that I -- and other moms of only children -- really don't want to hear. Questions we really don't want to answer. So be kind. Take the time to read this list -- and the next time you find yourself saying something like this to another mother, bite your lip, and give her a sweet compliment instead.
- "When are you having another baby?" This is wrong for all kinds of reasons. Maybe I don't want another baby. Maybe I desperately want another baby (and can't have one for whatever reason -- feel like a jerk now?). Maybe I'm currently pregnant and don't want anyone to share the news just yet. Maybe I've just had a miscarriage and I'm in mourning (again with the jerk thing). I'll have another baby when I want to, if I can, and when I'm ready. Until then, not your business. Wait for the baby notice in the mail. Seriously, don't ask.
- "Oh, you 'don't know' cause you haven't had your second one yet." Don't know? Don't know what? I know exactly what it's like to be a mother. Last time I checked, one kid is all you need.
- "You're so lucky you can [fill in the blank] because you've got only one kid." So true, so true. Because I have only one child, I spend my days lounging around, watching soap operas (are those still on?), and eating bon bons. I'm thinking you might have one confused with none. I still do need to read Good Night Moon a thousand times (in one sitting), kiss boo boos, watch this ... watch this ... watch this!, survive with no sleep, go to the pediatrician, worry, wash crayons off walls, deal with mommy playground politics, do laundry, plan birthday parties, take showers, cook dinner, potty train, go to Mommy & Me class, have food spit in my face ... you get the picture. See that? One. None. That N makes all the difference.
- "Every child needs a brother or sister." If I don't want another child, I'm pretty sure I disagree with that statement. And I probably believe that my kid can have a happy, fulfilling life and won't turn out to be a serial killer. But if I do believe in the importance of siblings and feel beyond guilty for not being able to give my son or daughter one, then congratulations -- you just made me feel even worse.
- "Well. It's easy for you to be in shape because you were only pregnant once." That MUST be it. It really has nothing to do with the fact that I exercise and eat right. The one-kid thing is totally why all moms of singletons look like triathletes and moms of more are fat slobs.
- "It's so hard with three kids." The inverse of #3, but still, worth repeating. Are you implying that my job as mom isn't as hard as yours? For those of you who stay home with your three kids 24/7, or work and come home to your three kids, I'd agree. My hat is off to you and you can stop reading now. But for those of you who want to tell us single-kid moms how hard it is to have three kids, it's probably best not to do it at these times: a) When I see you in the coffee shop with my kid in tow, where you're meeting a friend for lunch (followed by a pedicure!) after having done your morning workout class. b) When I run by you on the road struggling with my 40-pound kid in a 20-pound jog stroller as you come breezing by, enjoying a long luxurious run because you just dropped your 3-year-old off at "school" and your 8-week-old twins off at daycare. c) Just after you've told me that you're going away on a four-day spa trip because you need some "alone" time when I haven't spent a night away from my "just one" ... ever. You might "have" three (a blessing not a burden!), but my one is always with me.
- "Don't you want to try for a girl/boy?" Sort of like #1, but worse. Are you saying the gender I got "stuck" with isn't good enough? Or is it that my life will somehow be incomplete if I don't have one of each?
- "Are you trying for another one?" I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I'm having sex?
A final bit of advice: Don't repeat all (or any) of the above EVERY SINGLE TIME we see you. We didn't appreciate it the first time.
Moms with "just one" kid -- what would you add to this list?
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More from The Stir: 10 Things You Should Never Ever Say to a Divorcee
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Comments 573
I truly hate the comments people make to me. "When are you going to have another one?" "You need to give that girl a brother." and lots of others. It took us 10 years to have our wonderful daughter, I would love if we were to be blessed with another, but honestly if we don't I am ok with that. Rigth now my daughter is 2 and I cant help but wonder if I got pregnant again would I be able to handle it (of course I know in my heart I would, but there are days). I think this article is saying that people should think before making comments about someone having more kids.
On "Spoiling" an only child. My husband and I work opposite shifts so our kids are only with a sitter one day a week. Because one of us is ALWAYS home (except on Sundays) we are the go to sitters for all of our friends, most of whom only have one. So we have several little boys, and one little girl, who get dropped off at our home to play while their parents are at work and school. We have one sibling set we watch, who can hang tough through anything. The only kids? OMG, Whine and complain about EVERYTHING.
I'm not the only one who thinks this either. My mother, who drops by to visit and barely recognizes half the kids we watch, can tell you after a few minutes who is the only child, and who has siblings. We love these kids, we watch them for our friends because if we're home, why shouldn't their kids come play? Even the parents will comment on how our three and the sibling set we watch are more likely not to interrupt or need as much supervision as the only children.
To be perfectly honest, the only children are less likely to share, less likely to settle their own disputes, and more likely to whine or complain when things don't go their way, because they are used to not having anyone to compete with for toys or attention, and being the ONLY focus in their households. And they are more likely to break down my bathroom door when I'm going tinkle.
Eh, I think in many ways have more kids is easier, especially as they get older.
I do have my kids all with me all the time. They don't go to daycare, I don't meet friends for lunch (unless we take all our kids -- usually 5 - 7 of them -- with us), I don't get pedicures. But trying to get anything done if, say, my older two are napping and the baby is refusing is much, much harder than if all of them are awake and around. They do entertain each other. There are TIMES that are harder (like when I'm in public and they don't want to listen and run in three directions at once), but overall I think it's a bit easier.
Still, there are lots of things you shouldn't say. Peoples' family size or other family decisions are none of your business. I started getting asked "So you're done?" after I had my first two because I had a boy and a girl. "Perfect" family. (I'm pregnant with #4) And "Don't you know how that happens?" It doesn't matter if someone has one kid or 10, it's not your business to make comments.
Wow, why is everyone so pissed off about this subject? I have two kids, one boy and one girl but I don't remember ever feeling so sensitive when someone asked us when we were going to have kids (married 3 years before 1st one) or when we were having more (daughter is 4.5 yrs younger). Unless it's family who is asking and you should be able to tell them the truth without being offended, I think most other people ask these questions just for conversation sake. If you don't want to answer just say "it's personal" and 99% of people would back off. It's really not a big deal.
On spoiling only kids....
Depends on the parent. Some kids need more attention than others, some parents provide it in a positive way, others...not so much. And also depends on the phase the kid is in.
While none of my three would open the bathroom door while someone is using it (especially not a parent), or whine and complain constantly (although there are days), they still have trouble sharing, hitting, etc. That is the nature of small children...they act that way until they are old enough to learn to communicate better and work out their problems in a different way. My kids have days that they are amazing and mature and wonderful, and days where I want to rip my hair out. My oldest is only 4. So...it really just depends on the parents, the kids, the situation, the developmental stage, etc.
I'm not a mom of an only child, but I would never say those things to a mom of one. The only time I go into a conversation like that is when a mom of one ASKS me about how I liked being an only child...usually because they are trying to decide whether or not to have another child.