I've got one child. It might be by choice. It might not be. It doesn't matter. It's personal. Still, that doesn't stop people from asking if I'll have more, when I'll have more, why don't I have more. Or stop them from telling me I have to have more, my life is no good without more, I'm not a "real" mom without more.
Hurtful.
Insulting.
Ignorant.
Rude.
These are declarations that I -- and other moms of only children -- really don't want to hear. Questions we really don't want to answer. So be kind. Take the time to read this list -- and the next time you find yourself saying something like this to another mother, bite your lip, and give her a sweet compliment instead.
- "When are you having another baby?" This is wrong for all kinds of reasons. Maybe I don't want another baby. Maybe I desperately want another baby (and can't have one for whatever reason -- feel like a jerk now?). Maybe I'm currently pregnant and don't want anyone to share the news just yet. Maybe I've just had a miscarriage and I'm in mourning (again with the jerk thing). I'll have another baby when I want to, if I can, and when I'm ready. Until then, not your business. Wait for the baby notice in the mail. Seriously, don't ask.
- "Oh, you 'don't know' cause you haven't had your second one yet." Don't know? Don't know what? I know exactly what it's like to be a mother. Last time I checked, one kid is all you need.
- "You're so lucky you can [fill in the blank] because you've got only one kid." So true, so true. Because I have only one child, I spend my days lounging around, watching soap operas (are those still on?), and eating bon bons. I'm thinking you might have one confused with none. I still do need to read Good Night Moon a thousand times (in one sitting), kiss boo boos, watch this ... watch this ... watch this!, survive with no sleep, go to the pediatrician, worry, wash crayons off walls, deal with mommy playground politics, do laundry, plan birthday parties, take showers, cook dinner, potty train, go to Mommy & Me class, have food spit in my face ... you get the picture. See that? One. None. That N makes all the difference.
- "Every child needs a brother or sister." If I don't want another child, I'm pretty sure I disagree with that statement. And I probably believe that my kid can have a happy, fulfilling life and won't turn out to be a serial killer. But if I do believe in the importance of siblings and feel beyond guilty for not being able to give my son or daughter one, then congratulations -- you just made me feel even worse.
- "Well. It's easy for you to be in shape because you were only pregnant once." That MUST be it. It really has nothing to do with the fact that I exercise and eat right. The one-kid thing is totally why all moms of singletons look like triathletes and moms of more are fat slobs.
- "It's so hard with three kids." The inverse of #3, but still, worth repeating. Are you implying that my job as mom isn't as hard as yours? For those of you who stay home with your three kids 24/7, or work and come home to your three kids, I'd agree. My hat is off to you and you can stop reading now. But for those of you who want to tell us single-kid moms how hard it is to have three kids, it's probably best not to do it at these times: a) When I see you in the coffee shop with my kid in tow, where you're meeting a friend for lunch (followed by a pedicure!) after having done your morning workout class. b) When I run by you on the road struggling with my 40-pound kid in a 20-pound jog stroller as you come breezing by, enjoying a long luxurious run because you just dropped your 3-year-old off at "school" and your 8-week-old twins off at daycare. c) Just after you've told me that you're going away on a four-day spa trip because you need some "alone" time when I haven't spent a night away from my "just one" ... ever. You might "have" three (a blessing not a burden!), but my one is always with me.
- "Don't you want to try for a girl/boy?" Sort of like #1, but worse. Are you saying the gender I got "stuck" with isn't good enough? Or is it that my life will somehow be incomplete if I don't have one of each?
- "Are you trying for another one?" I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I'm having sex?
A final bit of advice: Don't repeat all (or any) of the above EVERY SINGLE TIME we see you. We didn't appreciate it the first time.
Moms with "just one" kid -- what would you add to this list?
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Comments 573
Isn't there enough mommy vs mommy pissing contests out there already? Come on and grow up. It IS harder having more than one child. Also as the mother of three and a person with many friend of 3+ kids, the "mom" you portrayed in that last point wasn't even in the ball park. IF I ever get time away to get lunch and a pedi, it is very very rare...like twice a year rare. So please don't act as if all of us moms of many have all this time on our hands.
It's not really about how many kids another mom has, its about the rudeness of the questions asked, and the assumptions made. Before my son was born, my sister used to make comments about how marriage was so hard when you had kids. Then we had my son, and the comments turned into how it was so hard on a marriage having multiple kids, Then we had my daughter, and it turned into how having three was sooooo much harder than having two. I almost want to have a set of twins just so I can in one swoop have more kids than her so she won't EVER be able to say any of that sh*t again. But since my colon split in half delivering my daughter last year and I'm still recovering, that won't be happening any time soon. But I sure have a great one to bring up to anyone who would dare ask me "So when are you having another one?" "Oh, you know, when I can hold my own shit...." I actually had one cousin tell me that "That can't happen" when I told her. Ummm, been there, done that. Trust me, it can happen.
To Rosaline: I've been where you are, but because of very different circumstances. Why I cannot have another child doesn't matter, just accept that I cannot.
I struggled for a long time, just like you are. When that realization hits you that you are done, through no choice of your own, it's like a thousand blows to the stomach.
Surround yourself with positive people. I have two friends - one who cannot have children at all and one who has two. They both know my situation, and they help me celebrate what I have - a beautiful boy who challenges me and entertains me every single day.
Those who want to pressure you for more? Ignore them. I know it's your in-laws... separate yourself from them for a while. Let your husband deal with them - he should be your "shield" during a time like this. Let yourself grieve. It takes time. Eventually, you'll be able to function again, perhaps even consider alternatives like adoption. But maybe you're not ready for that yet, and that's ok.
And your friend with twins? Kill her with kindness. "Yes, those two are a blessing. You're lucky to have them." And leave it at that. You don't have to justify "only" having one child. You just have to enjoy that little one.
I hope this helps, in some tiny way.
@Ponychaser, that was a very kind comment. :) Nice to see Mommy support on here. I have the most issue with number 5, as I get comments to that effect all the time. My favorite one was a mom of two in our neighborhood who looked at me a month ago, while I was in my bathing suit, and scoffed, saying to my face "Wow, you can't have ever had any children. Must be nice." I took great pleasure in telling the bitch that not only do I have two children, but I just delivered my second by c-section three months before. There is no need in making comments like that to people. Don't hate on women because we bounce back. Sometimes it's genetics and sometimes, like me, we eat well and exercise. We should support each other, not hate.
My daughter is my only one right now, I REALLY want another child, hopefully a boy but I'm not picky. I'm also 22 years old and had my baby at 17 and I am in school right now. Not the right time. I'm having a hard time knowing that my daughter will be older when she has a sibling, me and my brother are barely 3 years apart and we're really close, and she asks me all the time when am I gonna get her a brother, but I know its the right decision to wait. In other words.. quit ragging me, I know what I'm doing.
My MIL used to be very bad about constantly asking when I was going to have more (she had 5 and her oldest daughter had 5) ... I replied "When hell freezes over and Jesus comes back as woman ... in other words, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!"
I took great pleasure at times explaining how much I hated and despised and was disgusted with being pregnant and would never, never, EVER repeat that experience again.
Wow do you guys read what you are writing??? I agree stop with the pissing contests!!! " MY LIFE'S HARDER THAN YOURS; NO MINE IS; NO MINE IS" You sound like children yourself! WHO CARES if you have one or two or or more kids???? Not everyone judges people with one kid... I had 1 kid for 3 years and never once was asked when i plan on having another or any of the comments you mentioned for that matter. You must have shitty people in your life if they are always asking and judging you. And people don't always have more than one so their kid can have a playmate! Did you ever stop to think that someone might want more than one so they can have a big family. That's not selfish it's some one's choice. And to the commenter who said siblings are not close until adulthood; that was a stupid comment to make. I came from a family of 6 kids and we were so close growing up and as adults we remained close and my 5 and 8 year old daughters are so close. They always want to be with each other and do everything together. So no; not all sibling hate each other... And not everyone gives a crap and judges you because you have one kid.