Two Brain-Meltingly Annoying Stages of Toddlerdom

on November 15, 2011 at 8:01 AM

I think I've already mentioned how challenging I thought it was to take care of a 1-year-old, but I want to be clear that when I say that, I'm talking about the whole year. It would probably be more accurate to say that the entire 12- to 24-month stage sucked major balls in my household, thanks in no small part to the bizarre stages my children went through that would go on for weeks on end.

During the summer of 2009, my youngest son Dylan was about 18 months old—right at the very pinnacle of Toddler Difficulty. He was adorable, loving, and could be as sweet as pie ... but he was also a tiny psychopath who got into weird ruts that drove me absolutely insane.

I have photo documentation of two of these stages, which I called "Up & Down" and "Crazy Cup-Hand Baby."

Up & Down was a sofa game, and it lasted for approximately 1,295,732,601 months, give or take. It went like this:

Dylan: "... up.”
Dylan: “Up. Up.”
Dylan: grunt grunt grunt grunt
Dylan: “UP!”
Dylan: “Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! UPPPPP! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!”

Me: "Oh my god, again? Okay, okay. Here." *boost*

Dylan: “!!!!”
Dylan: “... ”
Dylan: “... ”
Dylan: “... Doon.”
Dylan: “... ”
Dylan: “Doon! Doon! Doon! Doon! Doon! Doon! Doon! DOOOOOON! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!”

At some point Dylan finally learned how to heave his own self onto the couch, and Up & Down quickly lost its appeal. We then entered the Crazy Cup-Hand Baby stage:

Dylan: "Hep."
Dylan. "Hep. Cup."
Dylan's brain, presumably: HELP ME PUT THIS CUP ON MY HAND. HA HA HA I AM CRAZY CUP-HAND BABY I HAVE A CUP FOR A HAND HA HA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

(.02 seconds later)

Dylan's mouth: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Dylan's brain: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS CUP IS ON MY HAND IT’S ON MY HAND IT’S ON MY HAAAAAAND WHERE DID MY HAND GO IT’S GONE IT’S GONE OH MY GOD I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN AND SLAUGHTER YOUR CATTLE IF YOU DO NOT HELP ME IMMEDIATELY OH MY GOOOOOOOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Me: "Oh look, it's Hershey's o'clock again."

Needless to say, I gained about 10 pounds that summer. Also, I kept these photos so I could 1) look back and laugh, and 2) show them to anyone who asks whether we plan on having a third child. ALL DONE, THANKS.

Can you remember any super-weird stages your toddler went through?

Images via Linda Sharps

About the author Linda Sharps

lives in the Seattle area with her family, where she works from home while wrangling two small children. She always has a caffeinated beverage in hand and a LEGO embedded in her foot.

Filed Under: tantrums

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Comments (42)

Wheepingchree

on Nov 15, 2011 at 8:12 AM

My daughter will be two in 9 days. She does the strangest, most frustrating things. Does the toddler insanity end soon? Right on her birthday, perhaps?!

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ChasingCaileigh

on Nov 15, 2011 at 8:27 AM

UGH. My recently turned 3 year old is going through an AWFUL PHASE. They don't stop after the toddler years. This most recent lovely phase usually resembles a teenager with terrible PMS, lots of screaming, crying and foot stomping over the tiniest things, always straight out of the blue. It's been going on for days.... Thanks for giving me a much needed laugh! Headed out to get some hersheys stat.

Nonmember comment from Amanda K

on Nov 15, 2011 at 8:37 AM

My son, who is 4 and FINALLY left the "screaming all the time" 3's, doesn't bother telling me what's wrong anymore. He just squawks, this annoying, loud, "ahhh, ahhh, ahhh!" like a car alarm so I'll find him. Even when I get there the squawking doesn't end. He just points. It is RIDICULOUS.

Dogpuck

on Nov 15, 2011 at 8:47 AM

I totally feel you, with an 18mo old adn almost 3 yr old, I cry with them half the time. ( j/k but I want to)

happymama2D

on Nov 15, 2011 at 9:05 AM

My little guy is almost 18 months old and omg ...... he just climbs on EVERYTHING!!!!!! His newest trick is climbing up the side of the sofa, standing on the arm and then leaping forward unto the cushions. He thinks it is the best thing ever .... I disagree and think it is the worst thing ever (although kinda cute the first time). I now sit perched on the end of the couch waiting to intercept him roughly 50X a night give or take. :)

sweetcherry_59

on Nov 15, 2011 at 9:28 AM

This made me laugh so hard. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

LucyCarrington

So funny! Thank you. : )

Nonmember comment from Eva

on Nov 15, 2011 at 9:29 AM

OMG. Thank you for this. My 18 month old is a sweet loving fun riot most of the time but sometimes she's the devil psycho baby from hell. LOL

Facebook comment from Sarah Fulmer Harris

on Nov 15, 2011 at 9:56 AM

I laughed so hard I cried...my daughter is 16 months young

Facebook comment from Amy Harrison Dutcher

on Nov 15, 2011 at 10:08 AM

My firstborn went through a stage where he thought it was so awesome to shake his juice out onto all of his toys in the toy box. That was maddening to no end. My middle child used to go to the nearest wall and plant his forehead against it when he got frustrated. As for my infant daughter, we will have to see what she has in store. I'm still enjoying her sweet cuddly phase.