15 Cringeworthy Things Little Kids Say in Public

by Jill Smokler November 14, 2011 at 8:46 AM in Toddler

Last week, Evan underwent a speech evaluation. He was quiet as a mouse the entire time, simply giving one-word, bare minimum answers. The therapists took notes as he was clearly flunking the test with a big fat F.

Suddenly, he turned to me and loudly announced, "Mommy, my butt itches so bad and I really, really want to scratch it!!" The good news: His articulation was perfect. The bad? The therapists actually wrote the phrase on his test for the entire team to analyze.

Later that day, I asked my Facebook friends for the most embarrassing things their kids had ever said. Bless their souls, they may have me beat ...

1. While discussing the 10 Commandments at Vacation Bible School (!), comparing "God's Rules" with rules the kids might have at home, my oldest -- then about 7 -- spouted: AT MY HOUSE, YOU DON'T DRINK FROM MOM'S CUP OF SODA WHEN IT HAS LIQUOR IN IT! -- Meredith

2. [My son] asked where my wienie was as I got out of the shower one day. I said, "Well, Mommies have a different kind of wienie than Daddies." So we get to the store later that day and he informs the cashier, "My Mommy has a different kind of wienie." Awesome. --Tiffini

3. Grocery store experience: my kid screamed, "PIRATE!!!" at a man wearing an eye patch. -- Cora

4. My son is bi-racial and thought every black man was Daddy. Once we were at the local grocery store and our cashier happened to be a black teenage boy. As we approached the register, my then 2-year old started yelling over and over, "DADDY." -- Lauren

5. My 4-year-old son felt the need to warn "old" people they will die ... he told a lady in the grocery, "Old people die ... and you don’t look so good" -- Edna

6. My 6-year-old grabbed our Rabbi's butt and said, "Squishy, squishy." -- Vicki

7. Age 3, regarding a morbidly obese lady dressed in red in a store: "Holy crap, that is a BIG, RED shirt!" -- Kerri

8. Saying our dinner prayer with the family, my 5-year-old wanted to say the prayer. So being that he wanted to be the big boy, we said sure. He says: God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy! -- Lena

9. Walking by the wine section of Whole Foods: "Mommy! Look at all this mommy juice! Look! Mommy juice everywhere!" I got more than a few snickers. -- Emily

10. My husband took my 4-year-old son to his uncle's funeral. When they were bringing the casket in or out of somewhere, my son said (pretty loudly), "What's in the box?" Luckily it got a few laughs, but ohhhh that was not one of his finest moments! -- Christina

11. My son pointed at a guy playing basketball, who had a prosthetic leg, and shouted, "Look mom! He's a cyborg!" I dragged him away quickly. He's totally into robots and all that, so it was a huge compliment coming from my son! -- Carissa

12. When I quit smoking, my 5-year-old at the time (she's 23 now) told her kindergarten teacher that she was so proud of me because I quit drugs. -- Erin

13. I guess I did not have great bathroom boundaries with my daughter. While in a shopping cart, checking out, sucking on a lollipop, my daughter pulls the lollipop out of her mouth and tells the person bagging the groceries: "Sometimes my mommy pees red." She said it like I was a superhero. -- Jennifer

14. Just a few weeks ago, my son was in the bath and declared, "I just have a kid-sized penis because I'm a kid. Not Daddy, though. He's a grownup, so he has a big penis. Daddy, your penis is THIS big" [said while holding his hands quite a wide distance apart]. My husband, however, told him, "Now THAT you're allowed to repeat anywhere and everywhere you want." -- Dorothy

15. ‎My 3-year-old daughter was out with her grandma, and the lady in front of them in line was writing a check without ID and generally being irritating. At the top of her lungs, she sighs and says, "Grandma, this is taking FOREVER. It takes daddy less time to poop and he's in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds!" -- Jane

What's the most embarrassing thing your kid ever said?

Image via Scary Mommy

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Comments 423

Nonmember comment from Mariela

November 14, 2011 at 10:53 AM

Angela, its better for them to know their body parts, or how old were u when u learned u had a vagina? Lol besides I just A's a biology class cuz my mom tough me my body parts name since I was 3. Its sad that we know so much about computers yet not enough about our own bodies!!!!!!!! ur probably noy a mom anyways!

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Facebook comment from Denise Adams Shirley

November 14, 2011 at 10:56 AM

My grandaughter was 5 at the time. She had been playing outside and when she came in the house she said really loudly in front of company "man, it smells like a whore house in here"....her Mom said " XXXX - do you even know what a whore is"....and XXXX said "yes Mommy it's a woman that smells really bad!!"....when my daughter asked where she heard that she replied "oh on Two and a Half Men Mommy"!!

CREKELLY

November 14, 2011 at 10:57 AM

Hilarious!!!

Facebook comment from Christine Baughman Smith

November 14, 2011 at 10:59 AM

The neighbor came over to tell us she was getting married. My four year old son says, "So are you having a boy or a girl?" Wide eyed with shock she responded, I'm not having a baby. His response, "Oh, then why would you get married??" I about died. In his lil 4 year old brain the only reason to get married is to have babies.

Facebook comment from Julia Kantorik

November 14, 2011 at 11:10 AM

@Angelia It's not sad that kids know the proper names of their body parts. It's actually a very good thing. Did you know that kids who DON'T know the proper names for their body parts are more likely to not be capable of reporting any sexul abuse? A girl I know told her parents for months that her tummy hurt because she didn't know (way back when she was 3) that someone much older touching her vagina was wrong. She didn't know how to tell them.

Facebook comment from Bethany Edwina Jordan

November 14, 2011 at 11:13 AM

I was trick or treating with my four year old and at every house he had to ask every adult if they knew him and then would start to introduce himself. That's not so bad the bad part is when we were at a house with a middle age man passing out candy who was missing more than a few of his teeth. my son went in to is monologue of "hi my name is... wow you have a lot of broken teeth!"

Nonmember comment from John Bevilaqua

November 14, 2011 at 11:14 AM

We were shopping at Babys Are Us with friends and their son jumped into a toy car, grabbed the wheel and pretended to drive while uttering: 'God dammah!' 'God dammah!' 'God dammah!' with a very serious frenzied look on his face. His mom sheepishly explained that he learned that from riding with his Dad.

Facebook comment from Sue Wiley

November 14, 2011 at 11:15 AM

I was shopping with my Mom and 3 year old Nephew, there was an extremely obese woman that had started walking towards us on the isle. My Nephew noticed her and was saying "Auntie look, Auntie look" I was trying to quiet him and ignore him at the same time, when he said (in his not so quiet voice) "NO Auntile LOOK, her VERGINER (VAGINA) hangs past her knee's". I wanted to crawl in the clothes rack and hide, as soon as he started with Auntie look my Mom had deserted me and went to the next isle.

Nonmember comment from Mrs. B

November 14, 2011 at 11:18 AM

""Wow! I've never heard of so many 3 and 4 year olds knowing all these bad words, and knowing what a penis and vagina is. Sad."" Really? I teach my children the APPROPRIATE names of their body parts, not a 'wee wee' or a 'doodle'. if it's a penis, we've called it a penis since day 1. Also, 'bad words' so you've completely sheltered your children and they've NEVER picked up a bad word ANYWHERE? TV, the mall, relatives, etc?.... right.

Facebook comment from Joyce Satcher

November 14, 2011 at 11:19 AM

To angelina, why do you think penis & vagina are bad words?? they are the proper names for body parts & teaching children the proper names is normal & healthy What are we supposed to teach them???