When my first son was just getting to be old enough to actually listen to a bedtime story (as opposed to diving at books with the accuracy of a hungry eagle, so fervent was his obsession with gumming every page to a pulpy mess), I rejoiced. Finally, I could fulfill my maternal fantasy of holding my rapt child in my arms as I soothingly unraveled one story after another, thus instilling a lifelong love for the written word!
It was going to be awesome. I practically had MENSA on the speed-dial.
However, I quickly discovered that it wasn't like a small pants-pooping toddler had the patience for The Velveteen Rabbit or anything. He gravitated towards garishly-colored board books with cartoonish animals, and the more I read, the more … suggestive some of them seemed.
It may be that I have a filthy mind and I get a sad kick out of twisting innocent children’s literature into something it's not, but check out these book images and tell me—is it JUST ME?
This is from Big Noisy Trucks and Diggers Demolition (a licensed product of, I am not making this up, Caterpillar Inc.—the gender-stereotypical equivalent marketed for little girls would probably be Fluffy Pink Ponies and Their Sparkly Anorexic Math-Hating Princess Friends). I'm sorry, but between this page and the manly commands to RAISE THE LONG BOOM, START HAMMERING, and GET READY TO UNLOAD, this whole thing makes me feel funny. IN MY PANTS.
Dora the Explorer says, this one time? In band camp? I stuck mi flauta in my ...
Sock Monkey Goes to Hollywood? Sock Monkey Has a Jersey-Shore-esque Hot Tub Orgy With a Bunch of Sex-Crazed Baboons in Full Estrus, more like.
Freight Train, going through “tunnels,” if you know what I mean. And I think you do. (Photo slightly edited through careful image clarification process.)
Toot & Puddle sounds exactly like what happens after you foolishly devour an entire bag of dried apricots, not that I'd know anything about that.
The Human Centipede-like arrangement of One, Two, Three, Pull! makes me a little worried for that chicken. I hope she has a safe word, is all I'm saying.
Oh sure, maybe I'm just a disgusting person who needs to grow up. But then again, maybe there’s a hidden agenda at work here, and it’s time to wake up, America, to the load that’s being released onto today’s youth.
Have you come across any kids' books that are funny in a way the publisher probably didn't intend?