New Zodiac Sign Dates: 9 Reasons Parents Should Panic

Jeanne Sager

zodiac signsThe new Zodiac Sign Dates have taken the world by storm today, and it's not just the hardcore "I read my horoscope every day" folks who are pissed. It's all us parents who are getting screwed.

Ever noticed how much junk the world peddles to moms who commemorate their child's birth, even though we have the real thing sitting right there? Let's face it, from the itty bitty baby shoe with the widdle birthstone embedded to the big ol' baby name necklaces, we love this crap. Or at least, our husbands and kids love to buy this stuff for us on Mother's Day and birthdays. Which means we will treasure it for always.

Now stop and think about it -- how much of that stuff is tied into the zodiac? Uh oh! We're in trouble Moms (and Dads):

Tattoos: I can start counting off for you right now how many people I know with astrological tattoos already in place -- either to commemorate their own birth or that of their child. Are the scientists going to pay up for all that laser surgery?

Family Heirlooms: One of the sweetest things handed down when my grandmother died was a Gemini necklace, given to my daughter because her birthday is just two weeks after that of her GG. The first thing I thought when some genius decided my little little of the party is now a boring old Taurus? By the time she's old enough to wear the necklace I've been keeping safe for her to always remember her great-grandmother by, it will be meaningless to her. Way to go, scientists, you just screwed a little girl out of her link to her great-grandmother. I hope you're happy!

Pregnancy Plans: I may not put complete stock in the zodiac, but I'm aware of the basic personality properties of each. I was pleased that my daughter came out in June to fit in with "intelligence" and "loquaciousness." But I know parents who were more than pleased -- they specifically planned their pregnancies to ensure their child would fall into one moon phase or another. Now all that planning has gone to waste.

Necklaces, Coffee Cups, Tacky Wall Signs: We love our kids' dollar store finds and vow to keep them forever. But what's an ex-Cancer to do now with the sign declaring "The Crab Is In" with the old June-July dates stamped across the bottom? Now you know why I'm so crabby!

Onesies: So you bought that cute little Capricorn onesie, and that's the one you used to bring your January 11 baby home from the hospital in? Throw out all those pictures; lest you want it appearing Mom and Dad screwed up when people look at the baby pics in 30 years. Snookums is now a Sagittarius.

Partners: If you read up on how your zodiac signs synched before deciding he or she was "the one" you wanted to marry and make babies with, throw that right out the window. So you're a planner who hoped your hubby's sign was a guarantee he'd add a little bit of spontaneity to balance out your kid's life? Yup, you're screwed.

Love Matches for the Kids: Arranged marriages are out of vogue, but parents of teens can admit they have eyed up their kids' dates and weighed out just "how right" (or how very wrong) they are for their kids. But if you were using the zodiac to help you determine which dates to run off, you'll have to find a new rubric.

Pigeon-holed Personalities: Here you thought your kid was just a stubborn Taurus. Turns out he's really a pig-headed pain in the ass. Which probably came from somewhere in your gene pool. Oh pot? Meet your kettle.

Push Presents: Aww, hubby ran out after you gave birth and bought you a gorgeous Libra ring as a celebration gift. Which is a meaningless pile of diamonds and gold today because your kid is now officially a Virgo. Where's that "cash for gold" number they're always screaming out on TV?

Do you have a bunch of useless stuff in your house today?


Image via freezr/Flickr

Read More