Snow White Revived As Disney Princesses Die

Andrew Dalton
11

With Disney possibly killing the princesses, then only sort of saying they might bring them back to life, there is a big question mark left in the heart of tiny girls. And the rest of Hollywood wants to fill it.

In the great tradition of competing pairs like AntsA Bug's Life, Deep Impact and Armageddon, Prefontaine and and Without Limits, Steel Magnolias and Nightmare on Elm Street, there are two Snow White movies movies in development.

These, or course, would be reboots in the line of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek.

The first: Snow White and the Huntsman. The description: "A huntsman is ordered to take Snow White into the woods and kill her but instead he chooses to let her go and the two are evidently chained together for part of the movie as they make their escape." I'd call it Snow White meets that one episode of Three's Company where Jack and Chrissy are handcuffed together.

The second: The Brothers Grimm: Snow White Described as "an edgy, modernized re-imagining that will hew closely to the Grimms' original German folk tale."

Sought for the evil queen role, respectively: Charlize Theron and Julia Roberts. yes, because they're each so ancient.

Except for vague rumors of Natalie Portman, the second flick has no real casting news for  Snow White herself, but a host of names have been bounced around for the first.

The most obvious? Well, think tragic girl in the woods constantly cheating death but saved by man? Yeah, of course they wanted Kristen Stewart. But that doesn't seem likely, so a bunch of unknowns are being tossed around including Stewart's Runaways co-star and Lisa Marie Presley's daughter Riley Keough, Australian star Bella Heathcote and the perfect-faced for the part Felicity Jones:

Though the clear choice in my mind would be actress and frequent Banana Republic model Krysten Ritter, who did a great job of playing both dead and almost-dead as a junkie girlfriend in Breaking Bad

 

Despite way too much spent in Hollywood bars I have remarkably little pull in this town, and no one is likely to listen to me, even with my adorable daughter in tow.

And really, come on, Snow White? Is there anything compelling about her enough to revive her even once more, much less twice? She's like Betty Boop without the sex jokes. Can we just let her die peaceufully and prettily on the forest floor?

 

Images via AlmaMaya/Flickr/Facebook/Twitter

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