The Top 10 Reasons I Hate Your Kid

Being a Mom 82

yelling toddler

I'll admit it: I never liked kids before I had them. I figured that would all change once I became a mother, but oddly, it didn't. Now, I just dislike them for a variety of whole new reasons. Sure, they can be useful to fill out party guest lists and lessen the cost of one-on-one private school education, but really, I could do without them entirely.

Do you disagree? Perhaps you won't after you read this list ...

1. They spread illnesses. Colds, pink-eye, hand, foot, and mouth -- every nasty sickness that my child has ever suffered from has stemmed for some other little snot who forgot to wash his germy hands. And, mark my words: If I ever find the child who caused the lice outbreak at our house last year, it won't end well. Live in fear kid, live in fear.

2. They teach bad habits. My kids never bit a nail or told a dirty joke before they made friends. Now? It's potty mouth and bad habit central.

3. They're bad influences. I could always count on my kids to eat pasta with tomato sauce. It was one of the few ways I had to sneak veggies into their beige colored diets. That is, until we had a "friend" over who proclaimed that red sauce was disgusting and mine haven't touched the healthy stuff since. Bring on the butter.

4. They're filthy. Sure, my kids may be messy and unbathed, but it's familiar dirt. Unfamiliar grime is just so much nastier.

5. They're loud. My kid is loud too, but it's not nearly as annoying as your kid. Especially at restaurants and movies.

6. Their poop is nasty. It's not that I love wiping my own kid's ass, but someone unrelated to me? Gag me.

7. It sucks when they break things. Yeah, it sucks when my own kid breaks things, but it's so much worse when it's someone else's. Do you ask their parents to help replace it? Punish them? It's just so complicated and irritating.

8. They're mean to my kid. Last week, some punk bit my youngest twice and another asshole tripped my middle son. I can't even imagine how I deal once they're out of pre-school.

9. They are incomprehensible. My kid may speak nonsense, but I get it. The gibberish the other kids speak makes no sense at all. And, frankly, it's annoying.

10. Their parents think they are just the most precious and irresistible creatures in the universe, and obviously my children have already claimed that title.

 

Image via mindaugasdanys/Flickr



discipline, tantrums, toddler development

82 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

thedg... thedgoddess

I was with you until number ten. My kids are little sh*ts. Just sayin'

Beckie Harper

You had me at pink eye... barf. 

Kimberly Virga

This was a very funny article, but the above comment is truly disturbing. Why the hell would you drag a topic like pedophiles into this? You're pretty much just as sick for letting your mind even go there. Wtf???

Amber R Polly

OMGosh! You make me laugh so hard every time I read your posts. I started following your blog some time ago and even though I truly believe that you are the "anti-me" when it comes to parenting, I LOVE hearing your different point-of-view; and, you really do have valid arguments. Thanks for providing my morning cup of humor! :-)

Carolyn Wiley Kochek

It's good to know that there's another one of me on this planet, LOL!!  This weekend, I was hating all kids, including my own.  Those who think their kids are the most irresistible on the planet are the ones who have raised THE most obnoxious ones on the planet (see videos of "Toddlers and Tiaras" on this one).


BTW, I'm with you on that lice thing which happened to us 2 years ago.  Try eliminating lice from 6 people in the house at the same time.  It was NOT pretty at all!

Ann Carothers

Too funny. When you're done hunting down your lice starter, would you get mine too? Needless to say, I'm still paranoid about Monkey going to her dad's.

nonmember avatar Erin IGKH

Well, great, Jill, now I need to revise my will which had all of my children and my credit card debt assigned to you. Great. I will be giving away my kids if they ever contract lice.

diospira diospira


"This was a very funny article, but the above comment is truly disturbing. Why the hell would you drag a topic like pedophiles into this? You're pretty much just as sick for letting your mind even go there. Wtf???"


 


I agree. What?!?!


How do pedophiles "do it" ?


Pedophiles do not love and care for children, they abuse them and ruin their lives.


The article was funny enough but that comment was just sad.


 


 


common sense is not so common -Voltaire



Marinka Motherhoodinnyc

I apologize for my sense of humor.  And promise to get the help I need.

issia... issianemmi

ON.THE.NOSE!!! Same sentiments especially the wiping butts other than your own children.

1-10 of 82 comments 12345 Last
F