I'll admit it: I never liked kids before I had them. I figured that would all change once I became a mother, but oddly, it didn't. Now, I just dislike them for a variety of whole new reasons. Sure, they can be useful to fill out party guest lists and lessen the cost of one-on-one private school education, but really, I could do without them entirely.
Do you disagree? Perhaps you won't after you read this list ...
1. They spread illnesses. Colds, pink-eye, hand, foot, and mouth -- every nasty sickness that my child has ever suffered from has stemmed for some other little snot who forgot to wash his germy hands. And, mark my words: If I ever find the child who caused the lice outbreak at our house last year, it won't end well. Live in fear kid, live in fear.
2. They teach bad habits. My kids never bit a nail or told a dirty joke before they made friends. Now? It's potty mouth and bad habit central.
3. They're bad influences. I could always count on my kids to eat pasta with tomato sauce. It was one of the few ways I had to sneak veggies into their beige colored diets. That is, until we had a "friend" over who proclaimed that red sauce was disgusting and mine haven't touched the healthy stuff since. Bring on the butter.
4. They're filthy. Sure, my kids may be messy and unbathed, but it's familiar dirt. Unfamiliar grime is just so much nastier.
5. They're loud. My kid is loud too, but it's not nearly as annoying as your kid. Especially at restaurants and movies.
6. Their poop is nasty. It's not that I love wiping my own kid's ass, but someone unrelated to me? Gag me.
7. It sucks when they break things. Yeah, it sucks when my own kid breaks things, but it's so much worse when it's someone else's. Do you ask their parents to help replace it? Punish them? It's just so complicated and irritating.
8. They're mean to my kid. Last week, some punk bit my youngest twice and another asshole tripped my middle son. I can't even imagine how I deal once they're out of pre-school.
9. They are incomprehensible. My kid may speak nonsense, but I get it. The gibberish the other kids speak makes no sense at all. And, frankly, it's annoying.
10. Their parents think they are just the most precious and irresistible creatures in the universe, and obviously my children have already claimed that title.
Image via mindaugasdanys/Flickr