There's nothing like admitting you have an only child to scare the bejesus out of other women. They simultaneously cluck at you like you've failed female kind and pull their kids away from your daughter like she has something contagious.
Ahem, step away from the child. My husband was an only child, and she is his only spawn. She's positively covered in happiness germs. And they're catching!
Oh, sure, the only children you think you know are spoiled little brats incapable of interacting in social situations. But the scientists at the Institute for Social and Economic Research say the sibling-free kids they know are happier than the tots in a multi-breeding family.
They say you can blame your other kids for that: "Over half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked, or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen."
Kind of puts "but they need a sibling to feel love and friendship" in perspective, doesn't it? Try telling your kid they need someone in their life to beat the snot out of them once a week. It's a hard sell.
Still wondering why we put the brakes on babymaking? I am not an only child. I love my brother as only a sister can, but we are two very different people. With that fact came years of sibling rivalry and unrest. Sharing genes does not instantaneously beget best friendship, and -- sorry conventional wisdom -- time really doesn't heal old wounds. We're both adults now and hardly bosom buddies. I'm not making an extra person on the off chance my daughter might have an extra best friend to grow old with.
On the exceedingly rare occasions our daughter has even brought up the concept of a sibling -- usually when a friend has gained a brother or sister -- we've unwittingly been parroting the results of the aforementioned study. The solo kids were happier not to compete for parents' attention, to have some privacy in their lives.
We put that in her terms. "You know how Alila's brother touches her stuff? Do you want a baby brother who would do that?" or "Remember when Mommy babysat so-and-so? Remember how much time she had to spend with the baby? She couldn't play with you, could she?"
Not surprisingly, she shudders and changes the subject. The fact that she brings it up so rarely, and abandons the idea so quickly, gives credence to the idea that she's pretty happy with her lot in life.
There are benefits to siblings. I'm not going to throw my brother under the bus here. But next time you feel bad for an only child, ask yourself why. Is it because you think they need a sibling or they do?
It could be they're pretty happy with the status quo.
Image by Jeanne Sager
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Comments 35
I agree 100%. I have a brother and now that we are adults, and I know someday we will have to deal with my parents illness and/or death together, I really wish I were an only child. Sorry to say...
My husband feels the same way.
Honestly, I *know* Rowan was happier as an only child. We had a better relationship then too. It sucks to admit that, but it's true.
Will it be good for him in the long run to have a sibling? Of course. But as far as just plain old happiness? Of course being the center of undivided attention and not having to share wins out.
I don't want to speak too soon. . .but I feel like I'm a "one and done" parent, myself. I know my limits.
Here's another point of view for you. I am an only child, and I HATED it!!!
It is very lonely being an only child I don't care how many toys you have or attention from your parents (or not) it's not the same. My parents were always working or going on vacations w/o me so I spent so much time at my grandmother's house alone. Even going to a daycare was fun for me b/c I was around other kids!
As long as I can remember I knew that when I got married I wanted a big family. I love my child to death but he will have at least one other sibling. Have you ever thought that maybe having to defend themselves and resolve conflict with other siblings, sharing, etc. better prepares them for the real world? And having people always assume your a spoiled little brat is annoying as hell.
i agree and disagree, im a middle of three girls and i love my sisters but i probably would be one of those people to report about their being touched and stolen and being kicked, but now that 2 of us are in our 20s and the oldest in her early 30s i have to say there is nothing better than talking to my sisters. my best friend is an only and i was and still am kind of a substitute sister to her, we are very close, as much as i am close with my sisters, so there is a downfall to being an only. my son is and always will be an only, i do my best to help him make friends and share but in the end i know he will be happiest becuase he will have both my husbands and i's undevided attention and i remember how much i craved that being the middle child.
Nope. Don't agree. It's a matter of perception. I have seven siblings. We have a big, loud, obnoxious family and we LOVE it. We have ONE sibling who wishes she was an only. She's selfish and needs to be a princess. The rest of us rely on each other and are very, very close.
And, my family members who are onlies are miserable being onlies (my BIL, my nephew, my cousin, my husband's cousin).
I thin kit depends on who you are, what your personality is and how you are raised, quite frankly.
I am a one and done. We knew we were done from the moment we found out she was a girl. Neither me or DH are onlies. But we don't have close relationships with our siblings. I socialize my dd with other children at church and with my friends and family's kids. She is not spoiled, except in love. She is drowning in love. I am thrilled every time I think about not having to do pregnancy and labor again!
I'm an only child. My child is an only child. So are my two best friends. Yeah, there are pros and cons, but being an only didn't force me to grow up alone and miserable. My two best friends are just like a little brother and big sis to me. We call ourselves a family, because that's how we were raised. It wasn't our parents fault that they couldn't have more kids (they all tried). Our parents did do everything they could to make sure that we were happy. We were involved in more activities than we could keep up with, and I don't know how they did it. My child will most likely stay an only child. I want her to have all of the benefits that I had, and bottom line is, if I bring another kid into the mix, I won't be able to help her as much and be as involved in her life. The three of us wouldn't change a thing, and I'm certain my daughter wouldn't either. She had a step-brother for a year, and it was a complete disaster. She hated it. Every family is different. Its no one's place to judge another family's decisions.