Ever since we had children, we've been saving money for them. Saving for private school, saving for college, saving for summer activities, for vacations, and perhaps most importantly, saving for their future therapy. Should my children somehow end up completely well adjusted adults with no issues to work through, I'll gladly invest the money in some plastic surgery or a week at the spa. But, with me as a parent, I'm not planning my boob job quite yet.
Here are some surefire ways to ensure your children do, indeed, end up in therapy. And, no, I haven't done all of these. (Yet.) Have you?
1. Send them to school dressed in their Halloween costumes. On the wrong day.
2. Despite having no talent whatsoever, insist on cutting their hair. Once they're past elementary school.
3. Post naked pictures, photos of them cross-dressing, or tales of them discovering their anatomy on your blog or Facebook page.
4. Obsess about being fat. Diet constantly. Frequently ask, "Does this make my butt look big?"
5. Sure, your kid is the gifted one. The smartest one, the most creative one, and the most promising one. But, tell them every day and they are also bound to be the asshole one with issues.
6. Have them discover the recycling bin filled with their beloved art projects.
7. Be involved in their lives. Know their friends. Know their interests. Communicate.
8. But, don't be over-involved in their lives. You are their parent, not their friend. The parents who dress like teenagers and let their kids drink really aren't cool in the end.
9. Be the parent calling after your kid, "I love you sweet muffin" or "Who is my cutest boy?" once the said child is out of pre-school.
10. Let your child be the uncool one -- you might think knickers are completely adorable, but if all of her friends are in jeans and she's begging for them, just give in. It's not worth it.
11. Live out your childhood fantasies though your kids. You may have unrealized dreams of cheerleading, but forcing your tomboy of a daughter on the sidelines won't end well.