5 of My Most Embarrassing Teenage New Year's Resolutions

JournalIt took me a long time to shake myself free from the chains of New Year's resolutions. While the idea of starting afresh and banishing old habits is great in theory, it's a whole lot of pressure to put on yourself. Now I don't even bother. I'm hostile about it, too. Ask me what my New Year's resolutions are and I'll probably sneer, if not spit, outright at/upon you. 

When I was a teenager it was different. Unhappy with who I was, I leaped at an opportunity to change everything about myself and start again as somebody totally new. I wrote down a list of resolutions annually in my journal. I wanted to be somebody who might be capable of, you know, conning a dude who looked like Devon Sawa into smooching her and maaaybe touching one of her boobs. Ah, to be young. In this arduous process of non-self discovery, New Year's resolutions were key. 

 

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Allow me to share with you some of the more hilarious resolutions my teenage self made once upon time. May they inspire you to approach the teen in your life with sympathy. May they also inspire you to remind said teen not to be so hard on themselves. You can start over every single day -- not just on New Year's. 

1.) Get a Hairdresser Who is Maybe In College and Not a Friend of Your Mom's 

After a series of haircuts that left me looking like 80s era figure skater who could not effectively operate a blow-dryer, I was done going to my mom's hair stylist. This led to unfortunate error of me growing out my hair to creepy-polygamist-long levels while dreaming I had pink streaks.

2.) Invest In a Cooler Wardrobe

To me "cooler" meant wearing exclusively reissued rock concert tee-shirts for bands I had never heard of. If I didn't know who they were they MUST be cool. Because the music I liked (mainly the oldies) was definitely not.

3.) Eat Less Candy

This is probably the alternate title of my as-of-yet-unwritten memoirs. I love candy. As a teenager, I hated how much I loved it. I wanted to seem cool and French. I tried giving up Toblerones for black coffee. Needlessly to say this did not take.

4.) Get Contacts!

I wanted to ditch my glasses so badly. I figured if I had contacts it would be like every movie where the secretary whips off her specs to reveal her latent hotness. When I finally got them they felt uncomfortable and suddenly I had to start worrying about things like my non-existent eyelashes. GLASSES FOR LYFE.

5.) Learn More Words

In my mind, the best way to lure Devon Sawa towards my person for the aforementioned boob-touching was by means of improving my vocabulary. I...was watching a lot of My Fair Lady at the time. I didn't really read magazines, so I had no idea that smart wasn't cool. I would soon find out. Luckily, by the time college came around I gave up recreational stupidity. Tellingly, Devon Sawa and I have never met. 

6.) Be Less Weird

I made this one every year. And, while my idea of what 'weird' was changed, I always managed to become MORE weird instead of less. Developing a fascination for the history of Tudor England at age 14, a passion for arcane tools used in early medicine at 17, and a predilection for wearing only humorous vintage blouses by age 18 -- weird was the only part of my personality that was -- and is -- a constant in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you believe in New Year's resolutions? What dorky ones did you make as a teenager?

 

Image via Gooseberrymoon/Flickr

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