subaru outbackBuying a used car is always a gamble. You could be driving off with a total lemon. If you are lucky, next time you are in the market for one, you will come across an ad like the one recently spotted on Craigslist. Not only does it detail all the dings and various other crappy parts, but it offers something that all parents of teenagers will appreciate: it guarantees no one will ever have sex with the car's owner!

If you can get past the malfunctioning engine light, this attribute is too good to pass up.

If you're a parent considering buying and fixing up this car for a teenager in your house who imagines they'll use it to go to the local drive-in theater with a cute boy / girl and let their hormones run wild, rest assured, this car is an automotive chastity belt.

Ha! An "automotive chastity belt." Gotta love that. How can a car keep kids from getting it on? Read on, parents, read on.

I mean, look at it. Every part of the car is shaped and styled like the least attractive parts of the human anatomy. The back is too small to lay down in, the rear seats are contoured in such a way as to make love-making impossible, and the center console is loaded with enough protuberances and jagged edges that necking could lead to a visit to the emergency room. This car is the anti-boner, its pastel paint job and fabric interior dousing any hormonal flames. Trust me on this, I drove this car for four years. Your teenager will experience a baffling streak of abstinence when they drive this car, to their frustration, and your relief.

Making it even less romantic, the car smells like blueberries and has "The Godfather" soundtrack stuck in the tape deck. Yes, a tape deck. Some teens won't even know what the heck that is.

You have to admit, this is a brilliant advertising technique. I don't know about you, but the success of Teen Mom has me completely freaked out. It seems to have lifted the fear and stigma surrounding teen pregnancy. Those girls have actually become bona fide celebrities just because they had babies at 16. Of course we should still teach our teens about safe sex (and abstinence, if you think that will get through to the horny iPad generation). But why not throw in a little extra protection -- a car that makes you kid a total turn-off. LOL!

I would get my son this thing in a heartbeat if it meant keeping him from having sex too soon. In fact, I think a lot of parents would buy into this marketing scheme. This plays into our parenting fears perfectly. Why limit it to cars. This could work for loads of things: crappy, second-hand clothes (no one wants a guy who smells like a church basement); cheap shampoo (that doesn’t silken or detangle); deodorant that smells like paint fumes; squeaky shoes that sound like fart every time you take a step; gifting them with Discmans rather than iPods for Christmas. Honestly, the possibilities are endless.

Would you buy your kid a crappy car if it meant keeping them from having sex?

 

Image via MSVG/Flickr