Lesson 37: An Open Letter to Teenagers Wanting Babies

An open letter to very young teenagers wanting babies:


Just ... no.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever even met a baby? Because most of them are assholes and they’re the only variety of people even more moody and cranky than teenagers.

Look, I know. I know you want a baby because you feel alone and you want someone who will love you and need you. I get that. And that’s why you should go get a puppy. Because puppies are totally glad when you come home to see them. Babies on the other hand aren’t there when you come home from school to see them because they’ve been taken away by child protective services because you can’t just leave babies on the floor while you run to class. This is just one of the many differences between puppies and babies.  


Other differences between puppies and babies:

Puppies will pee on your rug for a few weeks until they’re trained.

Babies will pee on your rug, your clothes, and (on several occasions if you have a boy) your open mouth. FOR YEARS. Puppies almost never pee in your mouth.

Puppies occasionally poop on the carpet.

Babies occasionally pull the poop out of their diapers to create a mural on the wall, which you will then have to clean off. Puppies almost never make you clean human feces off walls.

Puppies come from animal shelters. You have to pay for them with a credit card.

Babies come from your uterus. You have to push them out of your vagina.

Puppies don’t need circumcisions. Also, you don’t have to clean their junk every time they go to the bathroom.

Puppies love you. So do babies. That one’s a tie.

Puppies love you even if you aren't perfect. Babies would kill you with their minds if they could simply because you aren't fast enough at reading their minds. Instead they’ll just scream their heads off. Puppies almost never scream their heads off.

If a puppy can’t sleep you can put it outside. If you do that with a baby you go to jail.

When your puppy finally does sleep you can curl up next to him and he’ll snuggle against you and you can nap. When your baby finally falls asleep you’ll try to take the first shower you've taken in days but then you’ll wake up the baby by thinking too loudly. Nice try, lady. Back to work.

Your puppy needs clean water, food, and a few toys. Your baby needs so much shit that you’ll need to take out a loan for just the basics. Six months after buying it, everything you bought will be recalled for safety issues. 

You don’t have to hire a babysitter, tutor, or nanny for a puppy. Puppies never want summer camp and designer jeans and tongue piercings. Puppies never ask where babies come from, or why they can’t spend the night with their boyfriend since you got pregnant when you were their age. Puppies chew up your new purse. Babies throw up in your new purse. In fact, they do it so much that you don’t even get all that grossed out when you have to clean it up. That’s just how used to vomit you are.

Puppies are best enjoyed at any age. Babies are best enjoyed when you are responsible, out of high school, and economically independent. 

That’s why, teenagers, I say to you now ... get thyself a puppy. And then when your parents get all pissed off that you got a puppy just say, "I’m pregnant." Once you calm them down and they see that you’re really just carrying around a puppy instead of a fetus they’re much more likely to think reasonably and will probably be fine with a puppy. It’s all about perspective really.




PS. Condoms are your friends. So are chew toys. Don't confuse the two.

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