New Stats on Teen Sex Will Shock Parents Into Serious Talks

on December 22, 2011 at 5:25 PM

teens There's a sad new trend emerging among teens, and it looks especially harmful for girls. A new study of Boston teenage girls shows that one out of 13 of them had participated in group sex -- and more than half of them said it was "nonconsensual." In other words, they were raped.

Worse, in half of these encounters the guys didn't wear condoms, and in a third said drugs were involved to incompacitate the victims. The average age of the girls was 15. That's so depressing! Is this what we want our daughters' first sexual encounter to be like? Do we really want our sons doing this to other girls? The study makes me wonder if we need to change the way we talk with our kids about sex.

Teens hate it when we point this out, but while they may look almost like adults they're still children. And sex may be this "fun" think you can do with your body, but it's also a heavy, serious responsibility most teens are not ready for. And while I'm worried about girls not feeling empowered or like the "own" their bodies, I'm also worried about what boys are thinking.

Parents need to have frank conversations with their kids about sex. Since porn is becoming more of an influence, they need to talk about that -- porn is not reality. Trying to play out those fantasies can hurt people. Everyone needs to be taught what consensual sex actually is -- and what it is not. And that's even if you're also teaching your teans abstience. They still need to know! Teens also need to learn how to communicate clearly and respectfully with each other. If you don't learn how to listen, you're not going to hear when someone tells you "no."

Am I asking for too much? I know a lot of parents are doing their duty by their kids. Whatever those conversation sound like, they're happening. Thank you, parents -- those conversation don't just help your child, they help your kids' friends, too. But not enough parents are really digging in the way they need to. I don't think it's effective to just forbid sex to your kids. We're not living in the kind of world that supports that message alone. We need to teach out kids to respect sex more.

What do you talk about when you talk with your kids about sex?

Image via Made Underground/Flickr

About the author Adriana Velez

is a staff writer who dabbles in food, parenting, news, entertainment, molecular biology, and anything else that that pops into her head. She lives with her husband and elementary school-aged son in Brooklyn, land of urban farms and artisan everything.

Filed Under: dating, health, news, sex, tough topics

Comments (12)

amanda_mom89

on Dec 22, 2011 at 6:11 PM

I agree. I'm not sure where the problem actually lies with some of these kids but I plan on taking every preventative measure I can for my girls and that includes a serious sit down.

I work in a juvenile detention center and about 6 months ago they locked 3 boys up in our center (2 were brothers) for participation in the gang rape of a 16 year old girl. I won't go into details because the police report was disturbing and terrible.

But the point is maybe if these kid's parents had talked to them, educated them and above all certainly kept better watch on them that never would have happened.

What's worse? These boys felt no remorse. In one of their statements one said that even though the girl said no, he knew she really wanted it. He could tell because she flirted with them.

I cannot tell you how much that saddens and terrifies me for my girls..but I'm sure y'all will understand anyway.

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hoticedcoffee

on Dec 22, 2011 at 6:12 PM

My older boy is 7, and our current conversations involve keeping his hands to himself, nobody touches him, private areas are private, clothes stay on, and nobody is allowed to break those rules. In the next year or two, we'll start to get more specific about sex and our expectations and his responsibilities.

Unfortunately, I am not at all surprised kids are having group sex - especially given what I see as a very dismissive "kids are going to have sex no matter what" attitude that dominates most of the threads that relate to this issue, on The Stir. I think it's sad that parents have decided that kids having sex at very early ages is "normal" and the only solution is to make sure they have access to birth control and Plan B. Pathetic. My kids will be raised better.

billsfan1104

on Dec 22, 2011 at 7:03 PM

I kinda echo what hoticedcoffee says. I personally girls nowadays have no respect for themselves or their bodies. I teach both my girls that they should wait, and that their bossy is a temple and should be respected. If a boy doesn't do that, then he isn't worth.

starrsitter

on Dec 22, 2011 at 7:30 PM

I think too many people try to make sex into some dirty, shameful thing in an effort to control their children rather than taking a positive, pragmatic approach to teaching about their bodies and sex. Teaching kids about sexual health and the complexities of intimate relationships in a positive light (in an age-appropriate way) is a good idea as far as I'm concerned.

ltf124

on Dec 22, 2011 at 7:59 PM

this is absolutely scary. i have an 11 year old and compared to when i was in school, things have just gotten so much more worse.

butterflymkm

on Dec 23, 2011 at 1:33 AM

I'm one of those people that DO believe it's normal and expected for teens to experiment sexually (over 99% of people are not virgins on their wedding night). That has almost nothing to do with this issue. The issue here is teaching kids HOW to say no and how to respect your partner when they say no. Teaching kids (especially boys) how to respect women is paramount. I want my daughter to know that any boy who tries to guilt trip her or won't wait until SHE'S ready doesn't really love or care about her. If he refuses to use a condom-he doesn't love or respect her. She deserves better. Parents (again especially of boys but all parents as girls can be agressive too) need to know how to truly show love by respecting someone elses choice. And that no, no matter what, means no.

on Dec 23, 2011 at 9:05 PM

(over 99% of people are not virgins on their wedding night).

Based on what date did you draw that conclusion?

***** data

on Dec 24, 2011 at 3:44 AM

I'm sorry 95% not 99%

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-12-19-premarital-sex_x.htm

Nonmember comment from lucy

on Dec 31, 2011 at 3:24 PM

I'm less interested in the statistics of virginity on one's wedding night (disappointing as they are) than I am about the statistics on teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, instability, emotional turmoil, broken families, and poverty associated with the activities the other 95% are engaging in. I talk to my kids about sex and its implications every time a teachable moment occurs (and then some. Just ask my kids.) We have set our expectations high. They might not all live up to them, but hopefully their intelligence on the subject will prevent them from taking stupid risks and living with lifetime regrets. And if any or all of them are virgins on their wedding nights, then I guess those statistics won't mean a whole lot to us or them. Funny how many parents expect their children to be exceptional in other ways, but find sexual purity to be too much to hope for...