The best kind of parenting study, as far as I'm concerned, is the kind that reinforces the way you've been doing things all along. Yes, you think to yourself. See? I'm not such a crappy parent after all!
Just such a study came out today in the journal Child Development: According to researchers at the University of Virginia, parents who allow their kids to disagree with them – reasonably arguing their point of view, even if it diverges from their parents' perspective – are more likely to resist peer pressure as teenagers when it comes to drug and alcohol use. "What we found was that what teens learn at home in terms of handling disagreements, they largely take into their interactions with their peers," lead author Joseph Allen told the Canadian Press. "So if they learn to be calm and confident and persuasive at home, they'll do the same thing with their peers."
In other words, we parents need to teach our kids to stand up for what they believe in and what is right by first teaching them to stand up for themselves at home with us. This makes so much sense to me. I've never understood parents who believe kids aren't entitled to express their own opinions. Didn't "children should be seen and not heard?" go out decades ago? But even more, I don't understand homes where disagreements are seen as automatically bad things.
In my home, we have a lot of spirited disagreements. We listen to each other's perspectives and opinions and express our own – sometimes passionately -- while trying to give everyone (including our 8-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter) a chance to be heard. Sure, we occasionally get carried away by our own impassioned convictions and talk over each other, but we try to keep things in control. We try not to shout. And we never attack each other personally. My husband and I have learned a great deal from our kids – and I imagine that they have learned from us – in these discussions. And ultimately, we almost always reach a consensus that considers everyone's point of view.
Right now, the topics of debate are mostly family issues: Is it reasonable to expect the kids to help set the table at dinnertime, when there is homework (and playing) to be done? Is it fair to leave baseball cards strewn about the upstairs hallway for anyone to step and slip on if you are in the middle of sorting them? That sort of thing. But as our kids grow, I fully expect the topics of debate to grown bigger and thornier. (Is it OK to stay out with your friends until the wee hours? Is it a good idea to hang out with that crowd?) By then, our kids will have had years of practice, learning to weigh what's right and wrong, standing up for what they believe in, considering other perspectives, and discussing ideas and issues civilly and reasonably.
Ultimately, the home is a great place to formulate and learn to stand up for what you believe in, as the study shows. Then again, if you disagree, I'm happy to debate it!
Do you think reasonably arguing issues at home can be good for families and for kids?
Image via ttarasiuk/Flickr
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
This Hot Dad Cooks AND Does the Dishes
Comments 15
I think it can be healthy; BUT I also think that the goal should not be to persuade to parents. Right or wrong, kids need to respect their parents and their decisions.
I fully expect that my kids will disagree with me. But it's not automatically a bad thing. It means *gasp!* they have a brain! I think what's more important is to teach them how to handle disagreements, how to present their point of view intelligently and respectfully, how to not give in to anger and resort to namecalling and slamming doors. Although I also fully expect namecalling and slamming doors will happen as they learn how to navigate disagreements. It's part of growing up.
it is part of growing up to be independent
Well, I guess it is good to know that my little back-talker will someday experience some benefits. That kid (not even 4 years old!) is destined to be a lawyer... =)
All along I guess I've been doing the right thing after all! Man does it still piss me off though! LOL
Since this article is directed at Teens, I will def agree. My 14/yo has always had smooth, lawyerly persuasive powers, but always held back from outright questioning or challenging us. Now I think it's important for her to question all authority, demand proof and expect (earned) respect. It's a tough world, and as successful as she is now, she needs to practice taking important stands at home so she can deal with the helpless sociopaths, drug/alcohol culture, and harsh realities of adulthood in general that will surely come her way.
I never did drugs and could say no to peer pressure.
That is how we will raise this baby.
Of course our children are going to disagree with us. One of our jobs is to teach them to disagree properly, with thoughtful points and logical reasoning. When my kids can do that over something that isn't really a huge deal (to me, anyway), they win. For instance, when we repainted the house, they were finally allowed to choose their own paint colors for their bedrooms with the understanding that they would have to live with it until we painted again. Not a big deal to me - huge to them, and they each argued their case well. I want my children to be able to think for themselves, and part of that means standing up for what you believe in.
I don't mind hearing my sons point of view, but to use the word "argue" is taking it way too far. As for studies, you can find a study or statistic on anything you want.
i believe in letting them get thier point across and talking about it and not arguing it is a totally different thing