Ever since I popped out my kids, I've been waiting for the day to terrify them. It's not out of hatred or anything -- I love my kids dearly -- but out of love. Also: I may be getting back at them for the stretch marks, the years I spent wiping butts, and the loose skin.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Teens are notoriously hard to punish for bad behavior, so I've compiled a list of ways in which you can terrify -- think scared straight -- your teenage daughter.
Take away her cellphone. Why? Her cellphone is her lifeline to the world she cares about (which is not, incidentally, the world we all live in). How else will she know exactly what Jimmy thought about her outfit today or what Lisa is planning to do to the new girl? She NEEDS that phone and she needs it now.
Become her friend on Facebook. Once you're inside the lair, begin to post old baby pictures and tag her in them. There's nothing a teenager hates more than seeing herself drinking out of a hose at age 3, or dressed as a pirate at age 5. Trust me -- she'll hate it. You can increase this horror by writing on her Facebook wall -- sweet parental love messages and stuff.
As a punishment for hanging out too late with her boyfriend, tell her she has to go to school without makeup for a week. Whether or not you actually do it is besides the point. It's a lesson in being scared straight. Which, we all know, teens need.
Accidentally put your underwear in her room when you're doing laundry. Why? She'll be so terrified of the Ghost of Underwear Future that she'll probably want to bake you a cake. Or tell you to go on a diet ... really, same difference when it comes to teens.
Hang a picture of Edward, from Twilight, in your own bedroom. Perhaps create a shrine underneath it. It will horrify your daughter so much that you'd have the audacity to love such a beloved person as Edward that she'll probably do anything -- anything -- to get you to remove it.
So what other ideas do you have to terrify your teenage daughter?
Pens, pencils, markers, etc.