Clearly, bullying is a serious problem in the world right now, be it the cyber kind or the old-school in-person kind. It seems like every day there are hundreds of stories about poor kids being ridiculed and physically assaulted, some even to the point of suicide.
In the past year or so, tons of campaigns and movements to stop bullying have cropped up. Everybody is familiar with the celebrity-laden "It Gets Better" campaign, and now there's even a Bullying Prevention Awareness Month (it's October), sponsored by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. People are tired of this awful, pervasive trend, and they're taking action to stop it.
Well, most people. Certain teachers in England are simply telling their students to try "acting less gay." Now that doesn't seem to be helpful advice, now does it?
According to the London Evening Standard, a report has found "anecdotal evidence of students being told to act less gay or to wear their hair differently as teachers felt they were making themselves a target for bullies."
Okay, now I'm not professionally trained in how to deal with bullies (clearly, neither are they), but I do know that telling a student to "act less gay" certainly isn't going to curtail bullying -- because they're not dealing with the actual bully, they're just insulting the victim (which, incidentally, will only give these students even lower self-esteem).
The only reason I can think of why a teacher would give out such advice (aside from being totally clueless) is because blaming the victims -- who are most likely quiet and docile -- is much easier than tackling the problem itself. (Problem = wild, unruly, troubled kids.) But tackling bullying shouldn't be easy -- nothing worth fighting for ever is. It may take more time, but teachers need to put in as much time and effort as are necessary to stop the bullies. Because once they stop, so does the bullying.
What do you think about these teachers' comments?
Image via Dottie Mae/Flickr
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Comments 11
I think it should be okay to tell kids to stand up for themselves. If you dont cower before your bully, they wont consider you to be weak and vulnerable. I am not telling you that the kids need to get in a fight to prove they can stand up for themselves. But pretending its not going on is just going to push all those feelings deep inside and when they finally explode the kids are going to do something drastic when they have had enough. Like commit suicide, or bring a gun to school. Now you tell me, which would you as a parent prefer: having your kid spend a week suspended for getting in a fight for standing up for themselves? Or having your child commit suicide because he couldnt express his feelings, or locked up in juvie for bringing a weapon to school and threatening lives?
I would not be mad at my child for getting in a fight to stand up for himself. In fact, I would be proud of him.
If someone told me not to be something I am, I'd flip 'em off.
>__>
Seriously!
While I don't agree with the teacher telling the student to dress differently, in some situations, I can understand why they'd do it.
Our society supports the bully. We regularly punish the victim for standing up for himself because "violence isn't the answer" - even if he was pushed/hit first. Teachers who punish students "unfairly" are disciplined; bullies are very good at deflecting blame and can turn a situation around in a heartbeat, making it look like they are the victim. Teachers are regularly handcuffed by political correctness ("we must handle this in an affirming way. Let's teach this bully how to be positive in a positive way.") We are so focused on externalizing "self-esteem" - like it comes from everybody around us instead of from inside - that we allow bullies to do whatever they damn well please.
On the other hand, I have seen many students fall into the "I must dress to be me" category. In this case, the gay student might be dressing flamboyantly, talking with an affected lisp, being overly amorous toward the same sex, etc. It's not necessary to act this way, particularly in school, where the focus should be on learning. It is possible that the dress/behavior was becoming disruptive. And I say this, not just about gay students. I've seen it with students that identify with all kinds of groups... goth, metal, etc. Sometimes it's necessary to point out that behavior might attract negative attention.
I agree with buttercup and ponychaser. Although it's not the "politically correct" thing to say, students do need to take responsibilty for their dress and actions. If it is over-the-top, i.e. for attention, then don't cry that you are getting picked on. Many of them WANT the attention and then cry foul when it turns negative. Rebecca Black comes to mind.
I don't like the idea of adults telling children to conform to avoid social stigma. If everyone had done that, social reform would still be in the Dark Ages. It would go a much longer way to teach our children not to care about what others think about them and how to properly (non-violently, unless in self-defense) defend against a bully. What a bully is looking for is a reaction. If they try over and over again but you don't respond or shrug it off, they're not going to waste their time. They're going to move on to someone who will show a reaction.
It's not telling kids to "conform to avoid social stigma", it's telling them not to cross the line into dressing for attention and then crying foul when they receive negative attention.
If a gay boy wants to dress like a girl, then he must understand that there are going to be others who are going to voice their disapproval. Granted, they do not have the right to touch him, but if he is 'putting himself out there', then he must understand that he is going to draw all kinds of negative attention. As I was told on another comment thread, "the world isn't all rainbows and unicorns."
Further, many bullies will NOT 'move on" if you don't respond or if you shrug it off. I've said it before and I will continue to say it. Bullies speak one language: violence. If you do not speak to them in their language, they do not understand. Ignoring a bully often just frustrates them, and they escalate.
So. IF you choose to dress/act to attract attention, then be prepared to accept any and all attention that you receive - good and bad. Accept the good with grace, the bad with humor, and be prepared to defend yourself physically if you have to.
And understand that the teachers are not generally in a position to help you. They have been hamstrung by political correctness, and they are going to give you the best advice they can - don't attract attention if you can't handle it. Because if you defend yourself, you're going to be busted just as hard as the bully. Maybe more.
how sad! that is not something you should tell a child!!