Child bride

What would you say if your 16-year-old daughter announced she was in love? Maybe you’d humor her. Maybe you’d want to know all the juicy details. Maybe you’d want to lay eyes on the fella to see if he’s worth the attention and affection he’s getting.

This much I can say with certainty, though — if I found out that my child’s beau was a 51-year-old man?! I’d probably do one of three things: 1) Call the cops, 2) grab a set of brass knuckles and my GPS, or 3) Call the cops and tell them I’m grabbing my set of brass knuckles and my GPS so that they can have an ambulance in tow when we both get to his house.

But that’s not what country singer slash child bride Courtney Stodden’s father said when she married her boo, 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison, last month. I repeat: He is 51. She is 16. And her #%@ father is OK with that? Who’s the biggest loser? The freaky groom or the idiot parent?

I mean, what are the chances of two ridiculously gross and irresponsible men crossing paths to create such a nasty situation? It’s not every day that you stumble on a father willing to let his barely-old-enough-to-drive teen get married. To an actor. Who is smack dab in the midst of what I can only guess is a mid-life crisis. The couple calls it “ageless love.” Yeah OK. I call it a reason to grab a stomach-soothing peppermint to keep me from throwing up a little in my mouth.

I cannot even begin to imagine how or why a grown man would pimp his child off to a guy who is 35 years her senior. That means the groom and the father are peers — in fact, Courtney’s dad is 47, four years younger than the dud(e) he allowed his daughter to exchange vows with. I’ve never had a dad myself, but I thought fathers were supposed to be like, extremely overprotective with shotgun in hand to threaten anybody wanting to lay hands on their daughters. Except this guy, I guess.

We can’t even give them a pass because this was some shotgun wedding. Can’t even use that as an excuse because Daddy Dearest made a statement in a show of support: “Courtney is one of the most level-headed girls out there and I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter. Doug is the nicest man I’ve ever met in my life.”

Ah, nothing like the sacred romance between a level-headed teen and a super nice pedophile. Oh, and don’t hold out hope for the mama having any common sense, because she’s on board too.

I am a woman of a certain age, romping through my early 30s if you must know, thank you very much, and I’ve gotta tell ya — I’m grossed out by the visual of a man my would-be father’s age stepping into the newlywed suite to kick off a night of honeymoon lovemaking. Yack! How gross! So as a 16 year old? Please. When I was 16, I thought 25 was old. So I wouldn’t have even flinched in the direction of what would be the equivalent of a senior citizen to me at that age.

Maybe this is a publicity stunt, and I guess we can all hope that it’s what it boils down to — that her career needs a kickstart, his could use a little flame under its fire, and this marriage is the unfortunate result of a poor PR plan and an effort to do something wild, bold, and headline-making. Perhaps she’s not even what she’s presenting herself to be and she’ll get called out as 23 or 25, very legal though still kinda gross to be married to a 51 year old. Complete with the pout she seems to have perfected, she sure is old-looking to be 16. Here’s to hopin’ that it’s just a really lame ploy for attention. 

Just in case it’s not, you know what’s really scary? This is just the story that hit the news. If this father is psycho crazy enough to dole out permission for his child to get hitched to one of his crotchey cronies, imagine the kind of things he’s been letting her do over the years that haven’t been getting public attention. Shudder the thought at who’s been coming to her sleepovers…

Is this just totally disgusting or is it passable? How much is too much of an age gap for a dating teen?

Image via DrBacchus/Flickr