Forget Condoms: This Birth Control Pays Your Teen!

Jeanne Sager

birth controlThere's plenty of debate about just when to broach the topic of birth control with your teens. At puberty? When they get a boyfriend/girlfriend? When they're married? Let's hold it right there. Because the answer is much, much simpler than that.

What if there was a birth control for your kids that you didn't have to provide? That didn't require any awkward "Mom and Dad did this" conversation? AND your kids could actually make money off of said birth control? You'd be all over that like white on rice, right?

Ah, behold oh parents of teenagers. Miracle birth control does exist. You simply know it by its other name.


The one thing guaranteed to scare your horny teenager from ever making the beast with two backs ... ever. Because as my teen babysitter told me once, "After spending a day [with a child], I can't imagine coming HOME to it." Fortunately she wasn't talking about my kid (at least so she says ... and I'd like to think it's more than the cash that keeps her coming back).

Really it's a two-fold thing. They spend the day with a baby who urinates in their face or a toddler who responds to "don't hit your sister" with "I HATE you, and I'm telling my Mommy!" Be advised: the more obnoxious the child you can find for your teen to put in his or her time with, the worse childrearing will look. Think of this while scouring the neighborhood for a prime candidate. The more annoying you find your neighbor's kid, the better they will be for your teenager's new job.

But that's just the half of it. Because after spending a day with a 7-year-old boy who likes to beat her about the head with Beyblades, your teen will stand face-to-face with a haggard beast otherwise known as "the mom." We're the ones who adore our kids and secretly harbor the thought "I can't imagine coming HOME to it." And we're there, doling out the cash, and scaring the crap out of a teenage girl with our tales of road map stomachs and, ahem, vaginal tearing.

And Mom and Dad, let me tell you, there is nothing less sexy than a torn vagina. So there it is. Hit up the listservs. It's time to get your teens a babysitting job. It can even put them through college.

Image via Gnarls Monkey/Flickr

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