Hi. This is a quiz. Not a quiz in the traditional sense in which you will either be graded or have to turn the magazine you're reading upside down to see which eyes belong to which celebrity. It's a quiz for your own personal benefit, growth, and knowledge. But no, it's not a Myers Briggs test. That's a big test to write. It's a quiz that will reveal the kind of Facebook user you are. Deep down, you probably already know, but it's nice and solidifying to have things in writing, isn't it?
Here are 5 kinds of Facebook users: Which one are you?
1. The Runner. You have legs. And feet. But you don't use your legs and feet in the traditional sense, meaning to get from Point A to Point B. You run to from Point A to Point B. Or sometimes you run nowhere. But you always let your Facebook community know how long it took you to get to nowhere. And we're supposed to be impressed even if we have no idea what a good time in running means. Is less than a day good or bad?
2. The Silent Stalker. You're never/always on Facebook. You constantly know what's going on in other people's lives, but you'll never, ever post anything to your own profile. You may "like" something someone posts to your wall. But that's as far as you're willing to extend yourself. You act like you think Facebook is tired and a waste of precious time that could be better spent listening to Buckingham Nicks records, eating something artisan, and hating your parents, but you can't quit it. Or you would have already.
More from The Stir: 10 Surefire Ways to Be That Obnoxious Facebook Friend
3. The Virtual Edward R. Murrow. "OMG, James Gandolfini died! Heard it here first!" Any time anything is going on in the world -- particularly of the political nature -- the virtual Eddie is all over it. They want you to know that they're in the know.
4. The Every-Mundane-Thing-Is-Amazing User. The EMTIA User doesn't just have a cup of tea, they experience it. Prepare to be dazzled with well-styled, double-filtered, back-lit photos of the cup of tea the EMTIA user is enjoying. And don't be surprised if you suddenly have a hankering for some PG Tips yourself.
5. The One-Track Poster. For the One Tracker Poster, Facebook is a means for one subject and one subject only. And usually their one subject is obnoxious. Think GMOs, CrossFit, and local politics that have nothing to do with anyone else.
6. The Birthday Bomber. No matter if the Birthday Bomber hasn't seen you since 3rd grade, she will wish you a happy birthday and you will like it goddammit.
What kind of Facebook user are you?