Have you ever been sober in a room full of drunks? Able to see in a room full of blind people? Someone with a 5-year-old Samsung in a room full of iPhones? Well, that last one is me. I've been fighting getting a smartphone for years. Don't ask. Well, okay, I'll tell you anyway. I'm on the computer all damn day long, and most of the night too. Those precious moments when I'm outside, I don't want to be glued to my computer, which is essentially what those phones are. Little computers. Nasty little evil computers that follow you everywhere. Nowadays, everyone has got their damn head in a cellphone. Luckily, there's a group of "Seeing Eye People" who will help you get from one end of the street to the other while you text and check email without killing yourself.
The "Seeing Eye People" wear orange vests and you hold onto the back of them. They're the eyes that obsessive texters don't have. They'll keep you from falling on your face -- even though, frankly, you deserve to.
So keep your eyes peeled for them. Oh wait, you can't! Because your pupils are cemented to your cell screen!
The other day, I came out of my building (after seeing this story!) and watched as every single person who walked by me had their eyes glued to a cellphone. Not one person looked up. Not to see if traffic was clear. Not to see if they were about to run into someone's back. Not to see if Godzilla was coming. Nothing.
One woman tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and nearly went head-first into it. That didn't make her look up from her cell screen though.
Often, I'm the only person looking straight ahead. It's eerie I tell you! Plus, it's dangerous. Did you know that people getting hit by cars is on the rise -- because people have their eyes locked on their phones? Remember that woman who walked into the canal because she was texting?
These people could really use some Seeing Eye People. But, lo, this is all a prank by ImprovEverywhere and these guys aren't for real. But they were for that day! Watch the incredulous looks on the faces of the texters when they're approached by the orange-vested Seeing Eye People.
Now all we need is someone who will slap the side of your head when you're texting at dinner. And an app that sends you a message to look up when a pretty girl or hot guy is vainly trying to catch your attention, but you're too busy puttering with your cellphone to notice.
Do you walk with your cellphone at the end of your nose?
Image via BuzzFeed/YouTube