I don't know about you, but when someone tells me not to Google something, I immediately do it. It's a sickness, I swear to God. Because I can't think of a single instance where whatever I discovered online after being explicitly warned against looking for it didn't live up to my awful expectations. In other words, when people tell you not to Google something, they usually have a damn good reason.
So why am I sharing this roundup post of things you shouldn't google, knowing full well that some of you are going to Google them anyway, and I will be the one to blame for your subsequent discomfort? Because I am a very, very, very bad person, that's why.
Keep reading ... IF YOU DARE.
Now that I've included that dire disclaimer, let me go ahead and assure you I'm not including anything here that's gory or insanely horrific. No gruesome car crashes or repulsive sexual acts are featured here, okay? That said, here are a few things you should never type into Google's search box:
Clock spider. I can't even type those words without my scalp crawling. Now, I have a THING about spiders so your creep factor on this one may vary, but if you're a fellow arachnophobe, you definitely definitely don't want to Google Image Search this term.
Trypophobia. Another Google Image term that returns a surprisingly upsetting number of visuals. Trypohphobia is also known as repetitive pattern phobia, a fear of objects with clusters of small holes. What a ridiculous thing to be scared of, who even OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS SHIT.
Any medical symptom. Don't do it. All roads lead directly to cancer.
Tetris fanfic. Yes, there is fanfiction devoted to Tetris. Yes, some of it is pornographic. "I unbuttoned the blue pixel I had on my lower half and instructed her on the ways of foreplay. As her top pixel met my bottom pixel, I let out an ecstatic sigh. Such pleasure I had never experienced in my life ..."
Snapewives. According to the Urban Dictionary, "A group of middle-aged women on the internet who believe they are all married to Severus Snape from the Harry Potter books -- on the astral plane. They have real-life meetings where they take turns channeling the spirit of Snape so they can have wedding ceremonies with him." There are photos. There are videos. There are blogs. There are ... emotions.
Coconut crab. Sounds sort of tasty, right? Sure, in the sense that seeing one will eat your brain alive with horror. (A runner-up: the star-nosed mole.)
Mucus plug. Maybe you're pregnant and wondering what to look for. Maybe you should just use your imagination on this one.
Bedbugs on mattress. SWEET JESUS NO.
Skin condition. Nope, you don't have to be more specific than that -- Google will return a plethora of terrible visuals for you to choose from.
Yourself. Either you'll find no proof whatsoever of your existence, or you'll realize just how screwed-up your Internet legacy will be. There's no happy outcome here.
What sorts of Google searches have you immediately regretted?
Image via Warner Bros