You know, some holiday classics are just too good to be messed with, like the original "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" poem. Published in 1823, it's a lovely verse that's just as enjoyable today as it nearly 200 years ago.
Just because it shouldn't be updated doesn't mean I won't take an ill-advised crack at it, though. In what is surely becoming a painful tradition for Stir readers -- last year I did a Mom's version of the poem in which I attempted to rhyme "kegel" and "concealer" -- I have a thoroughly modern take on the familiar story of St. Nick.
Behold, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas ... the Facebook edition:
'Twas Christmas on Facebook, when all through the house
Every parent was posting, and clicking their mouse
The Instagram filters were chosen with care,
In hopes that each image would soon get a share.
Each status included a funny thing their kid said
So much to be documented, so much to be read!
And Junior on his potty, and Missy mid-nap
Everyone geo-tagged and placed on a map
When somewhere off-screen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my laptop to see what was the matter
Away from my monitor I began to explore
Blinked in the non-LCD light, and opened the door
The moon was so pretty -- like a promoted post!
And I suddenly saw it: a surprise Christmas ghost
Yes, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
When a little old driver climbed down the apparatus
I immediately wanted to update my status
But more rapid than eagles his phrases they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now, Friend Me! now, Like Me! now, Poke Me and Share!
On, Political Rant! On, Pet Photo! On, Awkward Public Prayer!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then I realized my posting was belated
Why, I'd describe Santa's visit like this: "It was Complicated!"
As I reached for my phone and clicked the mobile app
Suddenly on my shoulder there came a gentle tap
He looked a bit weary, that Santa, all told
And he told me my updates were getting quite old
The Someecards, the gym check-ins, the stuff from George Takai
(On that last one he actually rolled a twinkly eye)
"Your cat photos -- so annoying! Your kid pictures -- so corny!
You're cluttering my news feed with statuses that bore me!"
His droll little mouth was drawn up to let fly
And he was totally giving me the Santa Stink Eye
He spoke not a word more, but went straight to my browser,
And perused my Timeline as he hitched up his trousers
And rubbing his head with a murmur of "How banal,"
And giving a nod, he deleted my Wall!
Then he sprang to his sleigh, and to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, "You've been a fine hostess,
Happy Facebook to all, and I bet 99% of you won't repost this!"
Image via NotionsCapital/Flickr