dog at computerSo, Cyber Monday was a big hit, huh? According to reports and statistics and numbers, online shoppers searched, typed, and clicked their way to the biggest online shopping day. In history.

I, personally, have indulged in a little online Christmas shopping myself thus far. And I think I just may polish off my list that way. I'm so over the crowds, and the people, and the crowds. I can't do it anymore. It's too stressful. And, besides, you can't do the things -- the crazy things -- you can do when shopping online.

Here are five scandalous, weird, and downright disgusting things you can do while shopping online. Happy holidays!

You can shop drunk. I mean, yeah, I guess you could technically shop drunk in the real world, but you do run the risk of getting arrested. Or having to pee. In which case you'll have to wait in a really long line. And, eventually, while waiting in this line, you'll decide that it's too long, dagnabbit, and it's eating into crucial shopping time. So, you'll pop a squat in the bushes outside. And you'll get arrested.

You can shop naked. Oh, like you've never fantasized about this. Your nude skin sticking to the freezing cold leather couch, your laptop in your ... nude ... lap. You know what? On second thought, this is a terrible, disgusting idea. Please don't do this.

You can eat while you shop. None of that mall food court pretzel crap, you can eat whatever gross, icky stuff you fancy when shopping in the privacy of your own home. Without being judged. Garbanzo beans with crushed red pepper and a side of potato chips? Don't mind if I do! Ooh, and look at that, six Hershey's Kisses for dessert! My compliments to the chef.

You can get the annoying errand of calling that person you've been dreading calling back while shopping online. They can't see you! All you have to do is say key words, like "uh-huh" and "totally," and when the hour is up, you've killed two birds.

You don't have to bathe when you shop online. For, like, a long time. I mean, I'm not saying real-life shopping is a beauty pageant, but for the love of God, you need to at least use a swipe of deodorant before heading out the door. But not when you're at home. You can reek up the joint as much as you'd like and none will be the wiser. Except for the people you live with. But who cares what they say? You're buying them presents.

Doesn't online shopping seem so appealing after reading this list?

 

Image via andrewr/Flickr