5 Things Moms Should Never Post on Facebook

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CBS recently published an article with some advice on the 5 things you should never say on Facebook. Their recommendations:

Don't say that your job sucks. You know, unless you want to get fired.

Don't describe how much you hate your ex. You never know, you could totally get back together with that jackass. Also, the next guy you date might be a little freaked out by your "OMG I WANT DAN TO DIE IN A FIRE" status updates.

Don't post the dates of your vacation. Why not just give your keys to a roving gang of social-media-monitoring burglars while you're at it?

Don't brag. If you're going to continually like your own fan page, so to speak, you should hand out complimentary barf bags.

Don't be mean. No explanation needed on this one, right?

I can generally agree with this advice, but for those of us who are moms, I have 5 more tips for avoiding the humiliation of ending up on STFU, Parents. When it comes to Facebook, here are 5 things moms should never post:

"Good news! Gabby is finally sleeping through the night!" For "sleeping through the night," you can substitute "potty trained," "over that nasty cold," or "in control of her rage-filled biting tantrums." The point is, if you acknowledge the happy new phenomenon, you're courting a pretty big chance it could go the other way. I don't know why this is, but it's a law of parenting: the minute you chirp about how long it's been since your kids have been sick, someone projectile vomits on your face.

"Just wait" comments on your friend's updates. You know what I'm talking about. Your friend posts about how insanely difficult it is taking care of a cranky toddler, and you practically break your fingers typing, "JUST WAIT TIL HE'S A TEENAGER LOL." Knock that shit off. Your sole job here is virtually pat your friend on the back while agreeing that toddlers are in fact horrifying monsters.


Misery poker conversations. This one's related to the last, but it's even more annoying. If someone's struggling with their newborn, you're just glad they didn't have twins, like you. If someone's having a rough day at work, at least they get out of the house, unlike you. If someone's exhausted from a C-section, boy, just think how much worse it would have been to push a FULLY GROWN ORANGUTAN out their vagina while TOTALLY UNMEDICATED the way you did. Etc.


A photo of your child doing something horrifically disgusting. Junior took off his diaper during naptime and painted a masterfeces on the wall? Go ahead, capture that lovely moment for the purpose of including it in the photo album you plan to show his prom date, but for the love of god, do NOT post it on Facebook. Your friends don't want to see it, believe me. And on a related topic, I'm just going to gently tell you ... that picture of your child covered head to toe in spaghetti is not nearly as cute as you think it is.


A photo of your baby gnawing on a bong. Really!


Do you have any to add to the list?



Image via Johan Larsson

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nonmember avatar Amy

omg, bong mom. Nice.

RanaA... RanaAurora

"Misery Poker". I like that. I know certain people who do that and it pisses me offfffffff!

pinki... pinkiebling

Love it, couldn't agree more. "Misery poker" and "masterfeces" killed me on this one. Well done!

nonmember avatar moojoose

Still laughing about "masterfeces."
What about 8000 posts per day of "Just cleaned the WHOLE house!" or "just got all the kids to bed!"...I know there's not much going on and celebrate small victories and all of that, but what do you want? A medal?

Andrea Hooks

Don't like it then there is a way to unfriend them. Its very simple! I know certain things get annoying but its their Facebook. They can post what they like.

kisse... kisses5050

I love "bragie" posts! But I also love holiday letters. I enjoy hearing all the great little things happening in my friends lives and each little celebration. " Ty hit a homerun tonight!" Jennifer brought home all A-s"  LOVE em!!!giving heart

tabi_... tabi_cat1023

OK I happen to think the kid covered in spagehetti is cute no issues with that but everything else I agree lol

PonyC... PonyChaser

Yeah, I agree with Kisses and TabiCat, mostly. I like those little 'slice of life' things. Especially the little ones, since mine has outgrown those milestones, and I'm not likely to experience them ever again (with my own), I live vicariously through my friends with teeny babies.


And those 'covered in spaghetti' pics make me feel better about my own kid getting into the things he does!

Allyl... Allylicious

um, baby smoking the bong would be a big no no too...

nonmember avatar Melissa

I HATE the "just wait"s. Why do people DO that?!

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