CBS recently published an article with some advice on the 5 things you should never say on Facebook. Their recommendations:

Don't say that your job sucks. You know, unless you want to get fired.

Don't describe how much you hate your ex. You never know, you could totally get back together with that jackass. Also, the next guy you date might be a little freaked out by your "OMG I WANT DAN TO DIE IN A FIRE" status updates.

Don't post the dates of your vacation. Why not just give your keys to a roving gang of social-media-monitoring burglars while you're at it?

Don't brag. If you're going to continually like your own fan page, so to speak, you should hand out complimentary barf bags.

Don't be mean. No explanation needed on this one, right?

I can generally agree with this advice, but for those of us who are moms, I have 5 more tips for avoiding the humiliation of ending up on STFU, Parents. When it comes to Facebook, here are 5 things moms should never post:

"Good news! Gabby is finally sleeping through the night!" For "sleeping through the night," you can substitute "potty trained," "over that nasty cold," or "in control of her rage-filled biting tantrums." The point is, if you acknowledge the happy new phenomenon, you're courting a pretty big chance it could go the other way. I don't know why this is, but it's a law of parenting: the minute you chirp about how long it's been since your kids have been sick, someone projectile vomits on your face.

"Just wait" comments on your friend's updates. You know what I'm talking about. Your friend posts about how insanely difficult it is taking care of a cranky toddler, and you practically break your fingers typing, "JUST WAIT TIL HE'S A TEENAGER LOL." Knock that shit off. Your sole job here is virtually pat your friend on the back while agreeing that toddlers are in fact horrifying monsters.

Misery poker conversations. This one's related to the last, but it's even more annoying. If someone's struggling with their newborn, you're just glad they didn't have twins, like you. If someone's having a rough day at work, at least they get out of the house, unlike you. If someone's exhausted from a C-section, boy, just think how much worse it would have been to push a FULLY GROWN ORANGUTAN out their vagina while TOTALLY UNMEDICATED the way you did. Etc.

A photo of your child doing something horrifically disgusting. Junior took off his diaper during naptime and painted a masterfeces on the wall? Go ahead, capture that lovely moment for the purpose of including it in the photo album you plan to show his prom date, but for the love of god, do NOT post it on Facebook. Your friends don't want to see it, believe me. And on a related topic, I'm just going to gently tell you ... that picture of your child covered head to toe in spaghetti is not nearly as cute as you think it is.

A photo of your baby gnawing on a bong. Really!

Do you have any to add to the list?



Image via Johan Larsson