Apple iPad 2 Release Means You've Found a New Sitter

Lindsay Mannering
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kid on ipadToday's the day! We think, anyway. Apple says they have a big announcement to make on March 2, and we speculate the iPad 2 release is here. Get it? The iPad 2 on March 2? Apple is so clever.

The new generation will likely have a forward and rear facing camera, FaceTime video chat capabilities, and a retina display like the iPhone 4. And of course, the new version will also be lighter and faster.

But that's not all. The new iPad 2 will do your taxes, babysit your kids, and much much more.

This new gen of iPad is revolutionary in so many ways. It's what we've been waiting for since the dawn of time -- a computer that will solve all our problems. After long nights in the lab, endless focus groups, and top-secret meetings, Apple's new iPad will come in handy in the most useful and bizarre ways. They were kind enough to send me an exclusive list of everything it will be able to do.

  • Babysit your kids. With hours of endless entertainment options, the iPad is a natural with kids. But it goes one step further -- it emits laser beams across the room, like in Mission Impossible, and if a kid crosses the plane, the iPad will sound an alarm, and send an alert to the parental units.
  • Do your taxes. Just type in your city, state, and bank account number, and gross income, and the iPad will do the rest. It will even co-sign your return so if you're audited, it will take the blame.
  • Drive your car. The new auto-pilot feature is one of our faves. If you get sleepy on the road, attach the iPad to your steering wheel with duct tape, type in your destination, and lay your weary body down to rest in the backseat.  
  • Help you lose 10 pounds. The new diet app is fantastic. The iPad 2 will sense your cravings for everything from guac and chips to flourless chocolate cake and will then start a slideshow of all the photos in which you look fat. 
  • Fly you home. It's about time we had a magic carpet. Simply sit on the back of the iPad (don't want to scratch the screen) and off you go. It's a little tricky to stay on, but it's like riding a bike once you learn -- you never forget.

I want to thank Apple for this one-of-a-kind look at the newest iPad. Sounds incredible! Now only if it were true.

What features would you like to see on the iPad 2?


Photo via novemberwolf/Flickr

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