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    Ugh, sometimes I cannot accept how perfect I find Morgan Stewart to be. This week on The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills she reminded me yet again of her awesomeness by being basically the best girlfriend ever born. I was so resentful of this that I Googled "Morgan Stewart fat". Alas, the results were just photos of her in bikinis looking fabulous and probably saying witty things. I want her to write a book so that I can make a big deal about not buying it and then secretly buy it anyway because I'm duplicitous and scandalous like that.

    This week Morgan's adorable (and equally hilarious) boyfriend Brendan Fitzpatrick was celebrating his birthday. Unfortunately there wasn't enough Moet in the world to put him in good spirits (do rich people drink Moet? No? It's Veuve isn't it? #podontknow). He was feeling really down about his looks. To be specific, he was feeling embarrassed about his receding hairline. Morgan tackled this issue with classic aplomb and humor.

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    Tonight, those of us who keep up with the Kardashians were rewarded. The entire clan was making ready to journey forth into Paris for the grand union of the celestial being known to us as Kimye. I kind of wish they had hired their own ancient mahogany seafaring vessel to ferry them across the ocean. I also wish that said imaginary vessel had been helmed by Norsemen, but, my desires are neither here nor there. Even a crew of men who looked like they'd maybe escaped the pages of Beowulf couldn't have distracted attention away from Kourtney Kardashian's big announcement -- she's pregnant! Yup, baby number three was announced tonight!

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    Here's what's been revealed so far about season 4 of American Horror Story: it's set in Florida, circa 1952, and centers on a "troupe of curiosities" that arrives at the same time that a dark entity emerges, threatening both townsfolk and circus freaks. The real-life world's smallest woman has been cast, along with returning cast members Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, and Sarah Paulson. The official description reads: "This is the story of the performers and their desperate journey of survival amid the dying world of the American carny experience."

    We're getting closer to the American Horror Story: Freak Show premiere on October 8, so naturally FX has been rolling out their signature skin-crawling teasers for the show. I can't decide which is my favorite: the guy with the sliced tongue, the three-legged lady, the person trapped in a tiny birdcage, or the SPOOKY CLAWED HAND.

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    Whether you're a Walking Dead comics fan or you only watch the TV adaptation, we can really only know one thing for certain about season 5: people are gonna die. Probably people we care about. Terminus citizens may be cannibals or they may be carrying out creepy medical experiments or maybe both, but based on how season 4 ended and the title of the premiere episode -- "No Sanctuary" -- things are going to stop being polite and start getting seriously real for our survivors when the show comes back on the air in October.

    Since pretty much every Walking Dead actor knows he or she has a limited shelf life, Entertainment Weekly asked the main cast how they'd like to be killed off when their time comes. Their answers range from fun to ... I don't know, possibly a little portentous? Mayyyyybe? And be forewarned, I'm going to refer back to the comics in this post, so stop reading now if you want to avoid all comics spoilers.

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    Besides the fact that it airs at noon on Sundays, when no one is watching television, that is ... Seriously, folks, why aren't more of us watching The Real Housewives of Melbourne? It's head and shoulders better than Ladies of London, which got a prime time slot. In today's exclusive video below, I cover episodes 4 and 5, and if you haven't heard, the franchise has been renewed for a second season, so you should get into it now.

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    You had to see it to believe it. Finally, for Married at First Sight viewers, a little insight to what makes Vaughn Copeland and Monet Bell tick. Is it too late to save their marriage? In today's exclusive episode below, I discuss whom I think will stay together and whether any couples will divorce ... as well as how the television aspect comes into play and how that alone may affect the outcome. Also today, part 1 of the season 9 Real Housewives of Orange County reunion. Hoo boy!

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    Oh, Mona Vanderwaal, we barely knew ye! That's not true at all, is it? As Pretty Little Liars resident evil genius, Mona was the original 'A' at the end of season 1 and has proved herself in the subsequent seasons to be a valuable (if impossible to predict or even fully trust) ally for the girls to have. Let's all pour one out in memory of Mona, who was killed off last night in bloody, awful way. 

    We've lost characters before on the show, but it's never been so definitive. I think that's what was hardest about Mona's death last night -- you know that sister-friend is dead, and there is no way she is coming back. That said, Mona's death has kind of kicked the show back into high-gear. While 'A' has always put the girls in danger and bothered them with threats, this is actually the first time she (or he) has taken one of their lives. That is some heavy nonsense, yo. But why did it have to be Mona?! 

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    Tonight on Below Deck, the truth was revealed! And by 'truth' I mean 'things we all knew were true but reserve the right to be furious about anyway.' Andrew Sturby admitted to Captain Lee that he lied on his resume. It turns out the dude has ZERO BOAT EXPERIENCE. The entire at-home viewing audience bellowed "DUH" at this revelation. Clearly Andrew is incompetent and has been from day one.

    The real shock of the episode came when Captain "Plane Ticket Home" Lee ... didn't send Andrew home! He let the dude stay on! His punishment? He had to share the truth of his lies (True Lies, good movie, maybe Andrew should remake it -- no, never mind that is a terrible idea) with his fellow crewmates. LAME. LAME! That is not a punishment, it's just a surefire way to infuriate the people he works with, who already don't like him very much to begin with! 

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    I don't know if you've been obsessively keeping track of AMC's teaser clips for season 5 of The Walking Dead, but there are a couple of interesting ones that have come out lately. One gives us the briefest of glimpses at what appears to be Terminus citizens entering Rick's boxcar in an extremely disturbing manner, and the other shows Rick delivering a threat to Gareth.

    Did I say threat? I'd say given the fact that this is the new and improved Rick who's here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he's all out of bubblegum (on account of supplies being a problem in the apocalypse and all), it's more of a promise. "These people are my family," he says. "And if you hurt them in any way ... I will kill you." Rick's got balls, but the background sounds and visuals in these clips make it look like this Walking Dead season is going to be a straight-up horrorshow. Plus, a brand new theory is emerging about what Terminus is really all about.

    (Season 4 spoilers ahead!)

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    Wow. Whoever thought that The Real Housewives of New Jersey were drinking "nice juice" last week will be happy (or not surprised) to know that it's back to the dark and toxic this week. Two scandals to cover, one on the show with Victoria GottiRino Aprea, and Teresa Aprea (and a few other people), and one in the press with Rosie Pierri. Plus, we had no Kardashians last night due to the Video Music Awards, so there's Don't Be Tardy business as well.

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