Oh Sochi Olympics, you just sound better and better every time we hear about you. Who here wishes they could jet off to Russia and experience all this exciting frontier of incomplete infrastructure has to offer? Think of the viral Instagram possibilities. And the crazy stories you'll tell your grandkids, if you actually do survive a week in Sochi.
Okay, seriously? The stories are starting to scare me. After spending $51 billion (a record), it sounds like this remote resort-ish town is still shitastically underprepared for the Olympic Games, which open TOMORROW. Maybe it's not as bad as it seems. Maybe once the games begin, we'll all focus on the athletics and not the uncovered manholes. But for now, zoiks. Reports from Sochi are reading like a Russian novel.
1. Two words: Exploding toothpaste. Homeland Security is warning airports that terrorists may try to smuggle explosives on board via tubes of toothpaste. Try Detonyte! It brightens your teeth with a lethal flash of fire!
2. Your hotel room is not ready. Also: What hotel room? CNN booked 11 rooms 5 months ago, but when the gang showed up, there was only 1 room for them, and the curtain rod was broken. Other problems: No heat, broken elevator, no floor in the reception area, can't flush toilet paper.
3. Dangerous face water. Stacy St. Clair was advised, "Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous." She says she's washing her face with Evian "like I'm a Kardashian or something."
4. Twin toilets. We told you about the twin toilets already. No, they're not in someone's home. They're in a public restroom, and apparently it's fairly common for there not to be dividers between toilets. Honestly, if I were in Sochi, I don't think I'd ever have a single bowel movement no matter how much coffee and fiber I ate.
5. Even the Flying Tomato is afraid. Shaun White refuses to compete on an Olympic snowboarding course that is "like jumping out of a building," as Canadian snowboarder Sebastien Toutant put it. The course has been responsible for numerous injuries including a broken collar bone and a concussion. Here's a snowboarder's view of the course. Also, Shaun White wants us to stop calling him the Flying Tomato, which makes me sad.
6. Try not to be so gay. The deputy prime minister of Russia wants to assure gay travelers that they have nothing to worry about, despite the country's homophobic policies. Just, you know, "Please do not touch kids. That's the only thing." Yes, he really said that. To the gays.
7. Uncovered man holes. This photo pretty much speaks for itself.
8. Dogs have taken over Sochi. There are thousands of stray dogs roaming the streets. Officials have been taking the dogs into custody, and one owner of a pest control company says he's got a contract to exterminate the poor things.
9. The Sochi Olympic flame has gone out 44 times. Granted, the torch was probably tired from the longest torch relay in history. But still, that can't bode well for the games.
Are you worried about how the Sochi Olympic Games are going to go?
Image via HarryCNN/Twitter