Albert Haynesworth, Redskins defensive lineman and credit card breast fondler, was offered a plea bargain in his sexual abuse case. He's not taking it and is continuing to fight the charge.
Of course the charge I'm talking about is the one where he's accused of inserting his credit card into a waitresses bra and then proceeding to fondle her ta-tas. That's a unique approach to athlete sexual assault. Guess you can't say the guy's not original.
No, in all seriousness, it's not the fact that Haynesworth pulled such a dirtbag move that bugs me, it's more his reasoning for why there's no way he could have done it. According to court papers, Haynesworth stated:
I didn't touch her. [I don't] even like black girls. I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn't tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.
Well, that's a new one.
Albert, I think you really need to just close your piehole and let your lawyer do the talking in this one. Not only is this one of the dumbest "I didn't do it" excuses in sports history, it's kind of rude and effed up. You don't like black girls? Have you met every black girl in the United States and concluded that none of them are for you? In the words of Ramona Singer, "Just ... shut it down."
And perhaps if you were a model athlete, people would be more inclined to side with you. But instead you're the kind of football player who does things like get suspended the last four games of the season without pay for "conduct detrimental to the club." The kind who's constantly feuding with coach Mike Shanahan. The kind who skips off-season workouts and fails to pass conditioning tests at the start of training camp. All in all, you sound like both a crappy person and crappy player. You probably don't care, though, since you have a $100 million contract.
Nah, you know what, dude? I actually think this lawsuit is one of the better things to happen to you lately. Not only will it draw attention away from your poor player practices, it will get some of the heat away from the charges you're currently facing in Virginia for allegedly punching a man during a road-rage assault. Oh, and we can't forget about your lawsuits from a bank, an exotic dancer, a man injured in an automobile accident, and the complaints from your ex-wife that you're not paying for her health insurance or their children's bills. I mean, what better way to get people's minds off of that silly stuff than the excuse "I don't like black girls"?
What do you think of Albert Haynesworth's crazy excuse?
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