Dear U.S. Men's Soccer Team from 1990,
It's been 21 years but we've got to talk about something. Remember when Coach came in one day and was all, "Guys! Great job! We made the World Cup for the first time in 40 years! Let's take off our tops and go dance on the beach and make a music video!" ... remember that?
It's on YouTube now boys, and man, I'm sure you're regretting that six-pack of Zima you drank before agreeing to take part in this hilariously terrible project.
And who invited O.J. Simpson?
Can any of you explain that? It's not like he's a soccer star. But he wasn't the only thing that stuck out though -- your mullets were like none I've ever seen before. Spiky yet lengthy, that quintessential early '90s hairdos made this '90s kid a little nostalgic for scrunchies and crew-neck sweatshirts.
And the rapping. Let's talk about yo skillz for a mad second. Now I'm not a giant fan of rap music, but you've managed to make me thankful for the improvements in the genre over the last 20 years. "Togetherness, and unity, makes victory, in I-taly. With dedication, heart, and soul, you have the tools to achieve your goals."
That reminds me of a poster I made in third grade: "No matter what they say, say no to drugs in a major way." Coincidentally, your rap and mine were written during the same time period. We were like the Wordsworth and Coleridge of the '90s. Unfortunately my rhymes weren't picked up by Def Jef and made into a national theme song for an internationally competitive team -- still a little jealous.
The hairy chests and the gold necklaces were a nice touch, though. Made me forget I was angry for a second there. I like a man who isn't afraid to wear 14KT to the beach and dance around in Puma soccer shorts, hugging on his teammates, smiling, giggling, and generally carousing.
Most of you are about 40 years old now, so I think it's time for a remake. Oh, don't tell me it's already been done. That SNL "Shmitt's Gay Beer" commercial doesn't count. Get on the horn, get the team back together, and hit the beach with a flip cam and a boom box. Let's see some moves!
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Photo via YouTube