Today is Valentine’s Day. Tonight, we will curl up on the couch and gorge ourselves on the (calorie-free) bon-bon of the small screen called The Bachelor. Not just any episode, no, we will munch on the much-hyped episode where Brad and the remaining ladies have a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Best cuckoodoo mash-up of sports and reality TV since Dennis Rodman was on The Celebrity Apprentice.
Yes, tonight’s TV will be so good because it’s so bad. But there is something better. Leave room, ladies, something more yummy-rific is on the way. Not because it is so bad, but because it is great. Dare I say perfect.
What, pray tell, is it?
The next column or podcast by The Sports Guy, where, undoubtedly, he’ll have the best take on the hot mess that tonight’s The Bachelor is destined to be.
Bill Simmons, ladies. Born William J. Simmons III. Known by most as The Sports Guy. Best-selling author, ESPN podcaster, and perhaps the definitive sportswriter of our time. Consider this a virtual Valentine for The Sports Guy. Why do I love him? Let me count the ways:
One: He’s loyal. That’s a biggie, whether it’s your husband, your BFF, or your dog. His teams? He’s a Boston guy through and through: Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots, and Bruins. He’s been through the emotional ringer with those teams, but has not wavered. In The Sports Guy’s breakdown of the “Levels of Losing” in sports, the highest is (what else?) Game 6 of the 1986 World Series (when Bill Buckner let the ball go through his legs and the Red Sox lost). He now lives in LA, but refuses to root for the Lakers (the Celtics' numero uno rival, natch) and has season tickets to the Clippers to emphasize the point.
Two: He’s smart and funny. Known for his uncanny knowledge of sports and pop culture, his column is the perfect combo. The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of writing (remember “two great tastes that taste great together”). With stats out the ying-yang, he can break down the Brady/Manning (Peyton, that is) rivalry in one column and serve up a spot-on comparison of Deena’s addition to the Jersey Shore cast to the Jets cornerback Cromartie in the next: she “filled a need, brought some unintentional comedy to the table, capable of making a play at any time … just made everything better.” He’s not some big guy talking out of his bum. Bill knows his stuff. Read a few of his mailbag columns. They're genius.
Three: He loves TV. I love TV. Back in my single days, I cut short a first date with a guy (didn’t even finish my wine -- I hear your shocked gasps) because he didn’t own a TV. Now, Bill doesn’t just love TV, he’s a fan of all kinds of TV -- reality TV, situation comedies, the great dramas. The Sports Guy has devoted whole podcasts dissecting the likes of LOST, The Sopranos, and Friday Night Lights. Be still my heart.
Four and Five: The Sports Gal. His wife. She gets two, because, well, the best, definitive measure of a man is his choice of spouse. She’s taken over his column on a few occasions, proving she’s just as witty and smart as he is (if not more). The Sports Gal has offered her football picks to readers along with rants about Us Weekly’s “Who Wore It Best” and busting on how much time and energy her husband spends on his fantasy baseball team (she calls it the “League of Dorks”). I follow her on Twitter where she gives her take on, what else, the various seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette (I follow him too, of course).
So, not meaning to step on The Sports Gal’s toes, but, Bill Simmons, will you accept this (virtual) rose?
Image via YouTube