I echo most of America when I say I just can't wait for the Super Bowl to get here. But my anxious anticipation isn't just about the awarding of that Lombardi Trophy and a member of the Steelers or the Packers announcing they're going to Disney World! I'm hoping Super Bowl Sunday will put an end to the insane fan assault.
Hey, I'm not judging (well, sort of). I love my Yankees as much as the next New Yorker. But a new study does leave me a little worried for the fate of the diehard fandom: the outcome of the Super Bowl could be a life or death situation for the emotionally invested fan. A dramatic game on Sunday is expected to cause a spike in heart attacks among the fans.
So this Sunday, I'm ready for America to pull a Susan Powter. Let's stop the insanity people! You know, stuff like this:
Greene County in Pennsylvania will cease to exist this week. The name falls a little too close for comfort to the Steelers' competition. So where will residents hail from through Sunday? Black and Gold County, of course. Quick, if you have a tax bill from Greene County, it's your one chance to grieve it. What do you mean I have to pay Greene? I don't live there!
Bobby Wayne Blanton loves the Steelers. And like any self-respecting Pittsburgh fan, he was pleased as punch when they blew away the Jets. Which he celebrated by blowing away any common sense in his backyard. The North Carolina resident shot off his homemade cannon in the middle of his neighborhood not once but several times. The South may rise again, but they'll have to do it without this Rebel son. He was cited for illegally discharging his firearm inside city limits.
Packers fans will pack Lambeau Field on Thursday. Their mission? To set a record for the world's most simultaneously slapped high fives. Which Steelers fans will also be trying to do back at Heinz Field. To the painful palmed, a word? If you really want to honor a football team, that should be hind ends you're slapping.
Andrew Cohodes loves the Packers. And every day since they made the playoffs, he has spent literally three hours online reading about them and watching YouTube videos about them. Just to put that in perspective, Green Bay clinched a playoff berth on January 2. Today is February 1. That's 90 hours of Cohodes' life he could have spent sampling cheeses for this weekend's party. His loss, Manchego's gain?
Joshua Hall is sort of an odd man out this week. He's not much of a football fan. Which makes it hard to explain why he spent 10 hours building a Steelers helmet out of LEGOs. Props for creating something even more terrific than the Terrible Towel, but really, you're not a fan? Not even a little bit?
Come on, guys, I'm exhausted just thinking about all you've done this week. So let's calm it down a little, shall we? We want to still be alive and kicking for that special Glee episode after the game!
Image via daveynin/Flickr