Ron FranklinSo ESPN football announcer Ron Franklin called his colleague Jeannine Edwards, a sidelines reporter, "sweetcakes" last night. Um, how embarrassingly 1962 of you, Mr. Franklin. You totally need some help from us. Cause we're professional women (don't wince ... we saw that!).
Look, we definitely need to brush you up on some modern day name calling for women. You're, uh, totally showing your age, dude!
So Ron, we're gonna help you out, man. We know it's tough for a guy born in Mississippi in 1942 to come up with the right words for those ladies who dabble in men's work, but don't worry. We've got your back.
First off a little lesson about the term "sweetcakes." While you probably think of sweetcakes as a positive thing, so moist and delicious like the ones your mama used to make, they're edible, Ron. And women in the workplace don't want to be eaten or even be considered edible. Or sweet, for that matter. Or what amounts to a frosted dessert sitting on the counter looking pretty. No, Ron, we don't want that.
So even if you want to eat women or stand close and take in their delicious sweet aromas, you just can't let on by pulling the "sweetcakes" card, okay? Keep THAT to yourself. It's creepy.
Or maybe you just meant "sweetcakes," as in "you pompous tramp thinking you're high and mighty enough to jump in a male-dominated conversation let alone work here at ESPN" -- well Ron, that's just embarrassing, and you might need to retire and get on some blood pressure medicine. And breathe, just breathe ... and maybe yoga!
Other name calling options for next time your sexist tendencies button is pushed:
Bi-yatch: Say it with me, Ron. Beeeyaaatch. All drawn out. This is NOT, by any means, to be confused with the traditional "bitch." That'll lose you more than a night commentating. But if you say "bi-yatch" and you put your hand on your hip and do a head swivel, the next professional woman you try to belittle will mistake this for a sisterly scolding.
Witch: In 2010, Christine O'Donnell reclaimed this derogatory word from darker times (and witches everywhere rejoiced!). But then again, it was much more fun when she called herself a witch. She didn't really appreciate it when everyone ran with it. Women are complicated like that. Proceed with caution.
Hillary or Sarah: We know how you feel about Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin, who, how dare they run for political office cause women are meant to be home with the kids and have PMS every single month, you know? There, there. We know this is how you feel. So next time a woman butts in on you and your boys talking, just toss one of these ladies' names her way. It'll get your Mississippi-ian born and bred point across but in a more contemporary way (shhh, you'll seem 58 instead of 68!).
The F-Word: No not that "f-word," Ron. The worse one. Yes, THAT ONE. Feminist. Go ahead, you know that's the dirty dirty word you wanted to call Jeannine the other day when she dared to try to take part in the good old boys club of conversating. So just say it. Damn the women's movement and all that You've come a long way, baby nonsense with one big spiteful, "Feemiiinnniiiiissssssssssst." Lots of s's will add a good snaky hiss to your next hissy.
Do you have any modern-day name calling suggestions for Ron Franklin?
Image via CNN