Poor Jessica Simpson. She’s one of those celebrities who can’t seem to get a break under the fingerwagging of public scrutiny. I mean, the girl wore “mom jeans” and got more headline-making heat than the international dictator of the moment. Now she can’t even get pregnancy—the most natural, instinctive womanly function—right. At least not in the overly vocal opinions of armchair critics and medical professionals who haven’t actually examined her.

So she gained a little more weight during her pregnancy than some docs think is necessary. So she eats cheesecake for breakfast. So she’s blown up before our very eyes during this almost nine-month stretch of baby-making. Sooo what?! We spend too much of our time criticizing celebs. Heck, I’m guilty of it myself. But in this case, I feel compelled to stand up on behalf of Jess in this delicate time. 

Ah, pregnancy. The time in a woman's life where she has to share her abdominal cavity with another human being. There's nothing more amazing than knowing that you're growing a new life inside of you. It's magical.

It's also hysterical.

Here is YOUR Pregnancy, Month by Hilarious Month.

No one here at The Stir is saying Snooki is definitely pregnant. We just think she is. We have a whole room full of freelance forensics experts and dulas examining photos right now and we're expecting a conclusive statement any moment.

But in the meantime, let's talk about what Snooki should wear now that -- I mean, if -- she's pregnant. Because that tiny little body is going to get awfully round. That is, if she is indeed preggo. A woman Snooki's height is always in danger of resembling a beach ball when she gets pregnant. And a beach ball definitely belongs on Jersey Shore -- but that doesn't mean Snooki wants to be that ball.

Do you follow me? Let's look at some short lady maternity looks.

Okay, so for the past few days, I've been getting educated by Alice and Eden on the end of the third trimester and getting labor started naturally via CafeMom Studio's Mom-Ed: Childbirth videos. It's been super helpful, super interesting stuff, but I've gotta say -- today's video takes the cake. The ladies talk about what happens once labor starts. And it's so not what I thought. Check out the video, then let's discuss.

I love being black. I do. I thank God for all of my cultural idiosyncrasies and inherent Africanisms. I’m proud of who I am and the people I come from. It’s an honor to be born into a race of folks whose creativity and intellect and power helped shape the world as we know it.

But that being said, I can’t hop on this bandwagon that homebirth brings black women closer to our African heritage. I’ll immerse myself in a native language, I’ll shell out a few grand to fly to the mother continent and trace my Guinean roots. Heck, I’ve already dedicated thousands of dollars and thousands more hours studying our history for a master’s degree in African-American studies.

But if and when I ever find myself pregnant again, I’ll have my baby in a hospital, thank you very much. If something goes haywire — Lord forbid — I want all the bells and whistles of modern science by my side to save me or my child.

Being pregnant is pretty amazing, isn't it? The whole "glowing" thing kinda rules (if that happens to you - I only "glowed" after I vomited). Explaining why you're eating two cheeseburgers becomes a lot easier when you can say, "I'm eating for two!" And having a new life whirling around inside you, well, that's one of the most incredible feelings on the planet!

However, being pregnant comes with some pitfalls. Mainly, other people. Something about seeing a pregnant woman makes them think they can say and do anything they please.

Here are 3 of the rudest things people you know -- and people you don't -- will do while you're pregnant.

We all know how pregnancy brings about plenty of weirdness. You're growing a whole new person inside you, how could that not be weird? Weird symptoms. Weird feelings. Weird cravings.

But the unexpected weirdness that comes along with pregnancy is probably the most irritating: the impractical advice.

It comes from every angle, the unsolicited pregnancy advice, until you're ready to hide under the bed (presuming, of course, you'd fit), until those nine long months are over. From the checkout girl at the grocery store. Your mother-in-law. Ladies in the waiting room. In elevators. You can't go anywhere without someone spouting some sort of impractical advice.

Here are my favorites.

In a previous life, I was a nurse.

I know, I know, it's hard to believe that I was, at one point, ever in charge of keeping people alive, but it's the truth. Got the fancy diploma to prove it!

In a previous life, I was also pregnant. And, even with my nursing training, I was an idiot.

(try not to look so surprised)

Here's my favorite embarrassing pregnancy story.

I have the approximate dimensions of a daddy long-legs spider while gestating, which means that I'm all baby with spindly legs attached. I have, you see, no appreciable torso. Which means that the moment I am five minutes pregnant with child, I look about five months pregnant.