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Miscarriage is a sad and scary topic, but one that some mamas will face. Cafe Cynthia posted here earlier in the week about moms naming their miscarried babies. For some, it's a way to deal with the grief; for others, it's just too hard to go there.
I know women who've miscarried, but luckily, no one I've been really close to has been through it. What do you say when a friend miscarries? How do you help her through it?
From some CafeMoms who've been there, here are some words of wisdom.
-- Just say if you need to talk, I'm here. Don't tell her the baby's in a better place, don't tell her everything happens for a reason. I've been through two miscarriages, and it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
-- One thing I didn't want to hear was: "I know exactly what you're going through." No one but me knew what I was going through. I also didn't want to hear maybe it was for the best, or, you can always try again. I just wanted to be told that someone was sorry for my loss.
-- Tell a friend that you're sorry and there for her when she needs you.
-- Just be there, and if she wants to talk, just listen.
-- Send her a link to a CafeMom group for moms who have miscarried. She may look into it when she feels ready. CafeMom groups have gotten me through some very tough times.
If you've experienced miscarriage, what did friends and family do or say that helped you?
Or if a friend of yours has recently lost a baby, how did you try to offer support?
Comments (29)
I had one at 18 weeks. I just wanted to hear people were sorry, and they were there for me, if I needed a shoulder to cry on.
About a year later, my friend, who was there for me, lost her baby at 28 weeks, I wrote her a note to tell her i was sorry, and I was there for her. She called me the next day, and we cried for 3 hours together before a word was spoken.
I think it totally varies on the person as to what is and isn't going to comfort her or be appropriate.
A scientific thought process of, "It's generally for the best as something is usually wrong," WOULD have been comforting to me, but I know that'd be awful to hear for other people.
Some people, hearing the baby was now in heaven would be comforting, but for me, wouldn't have meant anything.
I lost my first baby at 11 weeks- the loss was diagnosed at 9 weeks and it took two weeks for the m/c to be complete. Honestly, the thing that helped me the most was just the people who said "I'm sorry." My best friend sent me a card that said that she was so sorry and she knew that I would get through this because I was a strong person, and that helped a lot. It also helped to know that others had gone through the same thing. My immediate supervisor at work told me that she had been through a m/c as well and that she was so sorry that I now belonged to a club 'with lots of members that no one wants to join.' It helped to know I was not the only one.
The things that were hard for me to hear were that 'it happened for a reason'- I understood that, particularly since the type of loss I had made it clear that there were serious genetic problems that ended the pregnancy. But it didn't make it hurt less. And the 'you'll have another baby' thing made me want to scream- I had been ttc for a year to have that baby and at the same time as my loss my doctor found some potential problems with my ovaries. I did not know if I would have another baby and hearing someone say I would made me want to scream.
Personally if they can concieve again I would remind them and also that things happen for a reason. Most miscarriages r nature taking care of things so u don't end up with a disabled child for the rest of your days. If they have other children remind them which loss would be preferable to them. None of course but "reality checks" are A # 1.
I miscarried on the toilet...very hard, but it helped to know people were there for u to talk/listen to when their ready for it!!
I was abandoned by my real life friends when I lost my baby - the only support I had was through my cafe mom friends. It is a difficult thing to know what to say - but staying away completely is NOT the way to help a friend deal with it. I wanted people to tell me they were sorry, but I just wanted them to listen. I wanted to say "it's not fair" a million times if I wanted. I wanted to be allowed to cry and I wanted to feel like I wasn't the only one who would miss the baby. I did not want to hear "you can have another". I didn't want another - I wanted that one. I am currently pregnant now, but still miss and want my lost baby too. I did not want to hear "everything happens for a reason" because I feel there is no good reason for the death of a child - no matter what gestation or age it is. "Gods way of getting rid of something that was not right" also pissed me off - did God really think I was that bad a mum I couldn't cope? And no matter what you do - do not say "should you not be getting over thisby now?" And yes, someone did actually say that to me.
The words to say when someone loses a baby are simple - "I'm sorry. I am here for you to talk to, to cry on." and to then follow through those words.
i hated the "it's for the best"..."it happened for a reason"....and "the baby's in a better place" comments from everyone......and the "you can have another one" didn't sit too well either......it took us 11yrs to get pregnant with our first.....there was a time we thought we'd never even have children.....i agree the best thing is just to be there for them and let them cry or talk or whatever they need.....tell them you're sorry for their loss.....ask them what you can do for them (be prepared..they may not know)....don't try to offer advice...just support.....one of the strangest things i was told by the nurse at the hospital that is normally sent to talk with moms that have just had a miscarriage was that since i already had a child it would make it easier to deal with the loss....the reasoning behind that is because you have a child that needs you there!.....it doesn't make you grieve less....it just makes it easier to not dwell on your loss......it's not something you ever "get over"....you will always think/wonder about the baby you never got to hold!....miscarriage/loss of a child is hard no matter what stage of pregnancy or age of the child....like has been said....."no parent should ever have to bury their own child!"
Wow, this was weird to stumble across since I'm fairly confident it was based on one of my posts. It's even linked to it. I thought some of the answers looked familiar. Anyway, most of this seems like very good advice. I still haven't seen or talked to my friend who lost her baby at 16 weeks. It's only been a week since her m/c. But I've left her a couple of messages and I am trying to give her privacy. Hopefully I can hug her soon. Thanks for posting this article. I hope it helps other women in my situation.
I must be completely weird. Immediately after my miscarriage I did not want anyone to even acknowledge it. Just ignore it and act like nothing had happened. After a few months of private grieving on my own, I was ready to talk and accept the I'm sorry. My husband called a good friend at my workplace and asked her to tell everyone just to leave me alone until I was ready. It helped a lot.
A very close friend of mine called me yesterday morning and said she was pregnant and thought she was miscarrying. A few hours later she called me back to confirm that is what was going on. I have been through 2 myself and still didn't know exactly what to say to her. I wanted to cry and throw up and grab her through the phone to just hug her. Your heart just breaks and you get angry that this has to happen. I told her I was there for her for whatever she needed and how sorry I was. I still can't stop thinking about her.