In Memory of Connor Jacob: A Loving Mom Remembers Her Stillborn Son

The Stir Bloggers

Most birth stories end happily. I shared Tonya's (sunmoonstars) with you recently and look forward to sharing more.

But sometimes the unexpected happens in labor and delivery. As a mom, I feel privileged and humbled to share Judith's (judithdawn81) story with you now. She lost her son Connor Jacob in February of 2007 and has dedicated the month to remembering him through this video (please note, it's touching and honest, but very emotional to watch) and by bravely sharing her story with other moms.

My husband, DJ, and I live in West Virginia with our three children. We had Alexis and Daniel before Connor was born; then five and a half months after we lost him, we got the surprise that I was pregnant again with our son Dawson.

This is the story of the hardest day of my life.

In Shock

I was at the doctor's office on February 21 at 4:30 in the afternoon and the baby was fine, his heartbeat was strong and he was moving, like always. I had a very healthy pregnancy, he was very active. I was scheduled for my C-section the next morning.

I got to the hospital a little after 6am to get ready. At around 6:30 the nurse came in to prep me. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, so she went to get a couple of nurses to help her. They couldn't find it either, so another nurse came in to do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

I remember her turning the screen from me. I kept asking "Is something wrong, what's going on?" She wouldn't answer me so I said "What is wrong, why aren't you answering me?" She then told me the news that would change my life. She said "We can't find a heartbeat and he isn't moving, I'm going to call the doctor."

The other nurses just grabbed my hands and started comforting me while another one went out to get DJ. We waited on my doctor to get there and he started doing an ultrasound again. I held on to the hope that the other nurse was wrong. I remember the doctor standing up beside my bed and leaning down. All I remember him saying was, "Judith, unfortunately ..." then that was it, I went into shock. I don't remember anything else he said to me. DJ had to tell me later.

I Just Wanted My Baby to Cry

Connor's heart had stopped beating -- he had passed away sometime during those 14 hours. We had no idea anything was wrong, but his cord was wrapped around his head once, his neck twice, and his left leg was pulled tight. They also found out my protein levels had dropped very low, causing blood clots to attack my placenta.

My doctor gave me the option to induce labor or go ahead with my surgery. I told him surgery because I couldn't go through labor and not hear my baby cry.

At 12:05pm, I delivered the most gorgeous little angel, with beautiful blond curls and chubby little cheeks. He was perfect.

We got to spend several hours with him before the funeral director came. I laid there praying for him to cry, to open his eyes, for his little heart to start -- I even tried pushing on his little chest to get it going again.

It's hard to explain what that time was like. It was amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. I had my baby boy in my arms, but he wasn't coming home with me.

Saying Goodbye

On February 26th, we held services for our son and said goodbye to him.

My faith in God, my husband, our three kids, my family, and friends have gotten me through this. And knowing I will see Connor again -- that when my time comes, Jesus will be standing at Heaven's gate with him ready to hand him to me.

This experience has shown me not to take a day for granted. As a mom, it showed me to cherish every single moment I have with my kids.

I'm grateful for the 39 1/2 weeks Connor was with me. I never got to see his eyes, his smile, or to hear him cry, but I felt every little movement.

Connor will never leave me. He'll be in my heart until he can be in my arms again.

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