Parenting

'Resentful' Single Dad Fears He Hates Baby After Wife Died During Birth

ParentingPublished Aug 4, 2020
By Genny Glassman
Dad holding baby boyiStock

Raising a child alone is so incredibly hard, but the grief that one man feels over the loss of his wife has transformed into a deep resentment for the child they had together. A year after his wife died during childbirth, a young single dad told Reddit that he can't shake the anger he has at his son. "I just... I hate him," he wrote.

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The couple married young and eventually got pregnant.-placeholder
The couple married young and eventually got pregnant.
Reddit

The couple married young and eventually got pregnant.

As the 22-year-old dad explained in a post that has since been deleted, his wife's pregnancy was never easy -- "she was constantly nauseous and sick."

"Last year, day of labor comes, of course I'm beside her even though it's a baby I never wanted," he continued. "I'd rather not get into detail, but the worst happened and I went home alone with a baby."

After his wife died, the father had no support with taking care of his newborn.

No family, no in-laws, and all of his friends were "poor 20-somethings working minimum wage jobs."

"I originally planned to go to med school and that's where most of my friends are now," he added.

"The first year was absolute hell," he continued.

Like any first-time parent, the dad was totally clueless. 

"I had no idea how to raise a child," he wrote. The fact that he had to do is alone made it even worse.

"I worked two jobs and my son was bounced around with my friends, who rotated looking after him while I was working," he explained. "I worked 12am-8am overnight where I'd leave him with my best friend."

"Thankfully he was not a fussy baby and slept through most of the night."

But by 8 in the morning, he'd pick his son up and have to start dad duties.

He'd spend time with his son, interspersed "in chunks with him waking me up screaming, then I'd be off to work again at 3 pm to 9 pm where I worked part-time at a drugstore."

Then he'd have to go around to see if another friend would be able to watch his son.

"Sometimes I wouldn't be able to and I'd have to call sick for work. Typically I'd sleep through both my lunch breaks for either job," he wrote.

On the day of his son's first birthday, all of that hard work and toil seemed to have made the dad angry.

In fact, the dad lamented that he couldn't find someone to watch his son during his work shift, so he needed to call off.

"He's sleeping next to me in his cradle and looking at his squishy little face," he wrote. "I hate this stupid [expletive] kid. Well, not entirely. When he snuggles next to me the few hours I have off, I get a rush of affection for him. But most of the time, I hate him."

He feels like he should be throwing his son a big, blow-out birthday party.

But he can't bring himself to celebrate. 

"It's about three o'clock right now where I am and I've been crying on and off since I got up this morning," he wrote. "This isn't his birthday, this is the day my wife died. If she had been here right now, then I wouldn't be all by myself with a one year old. Who I literally hate more than anything in the world."

Mostly, he's sad for the life he never got to live.

No life as a successful doctor with a beautiful wife and a ton of friends. The grieving dad wrote that he's even worried that his friends are sick of him for always asking them to babysit.

"They hang out without me, not that I could even come if they asked. And I bet they're sick of it too. For a year, they've been practically half raising my kid," he wrote.

He knows this setup can't last forever.

He can't rely on his friends to play surrogate parents forever.

"They're already getting sick of him. I'M sick of him. And I've got seventeen more years before I'm free," he wrote.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what this post was about. I guess I'm just asking... how do I get past this? How do I handle this? How do I do this?" he asked.

Most people agreed -- this dad needed some serious support.

"You say you hate your son, but I don't think you do. You won't abandon him or leave him because you're worried about him and you care," one commenter wrote.

"I think you have a lot of misplaced anger against your son. I can't begin to imagine your pain, but I do know that little boy will grow older and you will see your wife in him as well as you. Babies are HARD. But things get easier," the person continued. "Please though, I am also worried you may get angry and hurt him. Just please, if you ever feel yourself getting anywhere close to that point, please reach out to someone."

"I'm really sorry. All I will say is you sound like you're trying your absolute best," someone else added. "Despite your feelings towards your son, you're hanging in there -- you've sacrificed and you're working hard and you've refused to give him up. Give yourself some kudos for that. And listen, this doesn't have to be forever. Your future is not over, and your life story has not been written yet. You can still make a great future for yourself and your kid, even if things seem bleak now. Hang in there and good luck."

"My heart hurts for your child if I'm being honest. You're still grieving and I get that but omg your son did not kill your wife," a third commenter chimed in. "I have a 5-month-old and if I had died giving birth I would hope my husband would love him with everything he has and make his life so special because I couldn't."

After reading through the comments the dad realized that he doesn't hate his son, he hates his situation.

"I love this little guy," he wrote. "Sometimes I hate him more than anything, other days I just want to grab him and hug him so tight and tell him as much as daddy lies on the couch crying, you're still the best part of his life."

The dad also doesn't live in the United States and the country he lives in has few social services where he could get help.

"There are not families lined up who want him," he explained.

Besides, he's not ready to give up on his son just yet.

"I just wish he was born in different circumstances," he added. "I wish his mom was still here. I wish I didn't live in the country I do. I wish I had money. I wish I had a decent job. I wish I had a house that didn't have rats and cockroaches. I wish maybe I was ten years older."

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