Woman Asks If She's 'Wrong' To Kick a New Mom Out of Group for Women Who Can't Have Kids

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awaiting a birth
Pekic/iStock

People find themselves unable to have a child for a multitude of reasons, from unexplained infertility to life circumstances out of their control. Having support is crucial, so it's not surprising to hear from a Redditor that she's grateful for the opportunity to bond with other women who, like her, can't have children. She's been a part of an online group of around 20 women -- all in their mid-30s to mid-50s -- for the past seven years, and the original poster says they have grown "very close." 

"I consider all of them close personal friends, we've gone through very horrible times together, from first realizing we won't be able to have children, to accepting this, to dealing with friends/family etc.," the OP wrote in the Am I the As----- subreddit. "Three years ago one of our members died from MS and we've been even closer ever since."

But recently, one member "suddenly announced that she and her husband found a surrogate and that they were having a baby," and the group's dynamic quickly shifted.

  • The group was initially "very happy" for the expectant mom, who the OP referred to as "Mary."

    But then, several members approached the OP and said they were uncomfortable with Mary still being in the group. That's because "even though she tries not to, she constantly brings up the fact that she is about to be a mother while all of us are suffering from the fact that we never will be," according to the Redditor.

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  • The OP acknowledged, "Of course, this is the biggest event in Mary's life."

    And therefore, she gets why the soon-to-be mom "can't stop talking about it." 

    "We are all friends, and the group has evolved over the years, but its main reason for existing is still the fact that none of us can have children and that is its main purpose, that is the main thing we talk about," wrote the OP.

  • So, in an effort to address the situation on behalf of distraught members of the group, the OP confronted Mary.

    "I've asked Mary to please not talk about it so much and while she seemed hurt, she promised she would tone it down," the Redditor wrote. "Well ... she hasn't. In the last week she's talked about the pregnancy, the surrogate, all the items they've bought, how excited her family is, how her mother cried when she told her etc. All of it makes us incredibly upset." 

  • That's when the OP decided she'd have to tell Mary to stop talking about her baby on the way -- or she'd have to ban her.

    "She got very angry and made a huge post in our group, accusing us all of not being happy for her, not being able to jump over own shadows, etc.," wrote the OP. "I think she wants to keep us as friends, but not have to deal with the reason why we became friends in the first place. I personally think she doesn't really have a place in our group anymore."

  • The members of the group have been divided over the situation.

    "I've gotten more angry calls in the last 24 hours than I ever have in my entire life before that," wrote the OP. "However, there are also a whole group of women agreeing with me. I'm trying to keep the peace, but at this point, it doesn't seem possible."

    The bottom line: The OP wanted to know if she's the as----- for the position she's taken. 

  • The majority of commenters asserted that the OP is, indeed, not the jerk here.

    One commenter shared, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. She is destroying a safe space for all of you and she needs leave. I get you consider her a friend and feel bad about it, but you have to do your job as mod here."

    Another responded, "I am a childless woman. From that I say ban her. She can start her own group chat, it feels like she’s rubbing it in, and it’s a very disgraceful way to act. It’s hurtful and shame on her for her very narcissistic attitude. Because her actions speak that this is ALL ABOUT HER the other women be damned she wants attention and doesn’t care about others and is just rubbing it in their faces."

  • A few believed no one's at fault. 

    One Redditor wrote, "She has been in that group for a very long time, so I think she considers you all as friends. People generally want to share their good news and details of their lives with friends. However, she does need to be considerate of the group’s feelings. I think she should find another group that she can talk to about those things, while taking a bit of a step back from your group."

    Another shared, "She’s certainly allowed to be happy that she’s having a child, but it’s definitely been hurtful for her to speak so often about it. This is an online support group for women who cannot have children to support one another, and thankfully, she’s graduated out of the support group. She no longer needs it. It’s time for her to let go and move on from it and be happy for her new life. No one is an [expletive] for being hurt by what she’s said, they’re entitled to their own feelings."

  • And some believed the OP was making the wrong move. 

    One person wrote, "Someone finally has great news and you're all banishing her. Misery does love company."

    Another noted, "She finally isn't going to struggle with not being a mom anymore, and these women cannot see past their own noses. If the point is for women who cannot carry and do not want to explore other options of being mothers, then that needs to be decided upon and stated in the mission statement of your forum." 

  • The bottom line: It might be time for these friends to part ways, as heartbreaking as that may be.

    Life can take a turn that requires moving on from your old support network and finding one that's a better fit for your current journey. Given how hard as it has been for everyone in this situation to get on the same page, that might be the best way forward here.