'Lightning Crotch' & 15 Other Things Nobody Warns Pregnant Women About

Pregnant mom
Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

Before having your first baby, it's natural to try to read all the books and ask as many questions as possible. Yet despite trying to learn everything there is to know about birth and motherhood, there are still things that people just don't tell you. From common misconceptions to plain mom truths, there's a ton that moms have to figure out on their own. But as one mom blogger goes through this sh*t for the third time, she's calling out everything that new moms aren't warned about. 

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One of the things Laura Mazza had to learn for herself is that you don't actually ever eat for two when you're expecting. "First pregnancy you can barely eat for one, you just get SO full," the Aussie blogger wrote on her Facebook page, Mum on the Run. "Second everything kinda falls down and you can eat for two ... I mean who is boss here? You! Well for another 9 months until that baby is born, so make the most of it."

Yes, you know you'll grow a baby bump, but your body also changes in more ways than you're ever truly prepared for. "You will run on hot. All. The. Time. Your ankles go from a thin gateway to your feet, to two big fluid-filled tree stumps," she wrote. "Your nose feels as if someone has shoved two wet tampons up there and your sinuses have closed for business. Change your name to Bleeding Gums Murphy because for some reason brushing your teeth in pregnancy gives you some crazy gingivitis symptoms and you start to bleed."

Pregnant mom
Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

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But those changes are nothing compared to what your boobs endure as your milk comes in. "Your boobs grow from a comfortable set of fun bags to a couple of cow utters that haven't been milked in 6 weeks. Your nipples go 50 shades of dark brown. They're like a big planets ... my husband asked me if it was an eclipse and I told him no, I just took off my bra babe," she wrote. "And good lord should anyone touch those nipples, they will be swiftly jabbed to the throat as a reflex ... because they feel as if you have been in Antarctica and your nipples have frozen over and someone's chopped them off with a sword."

Then there's your bladder and the serious action it gets during this trying time. "Won't you take me to ... pissing town! You may as well make friends with the toilet because you'll need to go a lot, even when you don't need to go, you'll feel like you do," she wrote. "Vomiting and just pissing yourself. Yep a given. Sneezing and also just peeing. Yeah it happens. You can have a pelvic floor of an iron man but when that nose tickles you may as well just let that yellow waterfall do its thang."

Laura's sleep also completely changed during her three pregnancies, and it had nothing to do with an active little one kicking her throughout the night. "Drooling in your sleep. You'll feel as if you are a teething toddler again," she wrote. "Hello LESBIAN DREAMS. Is this anyone else? I've been getting some weird crazy dreams ... maybe it's just me but I tell you, those hormones create some weird REM time."

Pregnant mom
Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

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Plus, being so uncomfortable while her husband slept the nights away peacefully didn't do wonders for their relationship. "Can't sleep on the left, bad for the baby, better to sleep on the right, good for the baby but uncomfortable, can't sleep on your back, bad for the baby ... can't sleep on your stomach ... you're too hot ... ugh!" she wrote. "And when you turn over and watch your partner snoring peacefully with their sleeping mouth wide open and sleeping snoring sounds ... you will look at them with a stink face and plot their death."

But most importantly, it's the pain down there long before contractions that Laura wasn't prepared for. "You ever heard of lightning crotch?" she wrote. "It's when your baby becomes a little Zeus and sends lightning strikes down to your vajayjay while you're casually waddling happily around the shopping centre and it stops you right in your tracks because it feels like your baby is trying to escape out of your uterus and its leg is about to fall out."

In additon to the more expected things like clothes becoming beyond annoying and strangers assuming that it isn't at all creepy to touch your stomach, there's something else often ignored that Laura is ready to call out. "Some women just don’t love it. They just don't. They love the growing baby and are excited about this miracle of life ... but not much else, and you know what? That's perfectly normal," she wrote. "After all, sometimes carrying a watermelon on your bladder isn't always the best feeling, right?"

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