Parenting

Pregnant Woman Makes ‘Huge Mistake’ By Sharing Baby Name Idea With ‘Toxic’ Mom

ParentingPublished May 6, 2020
By Maressa Brown
pregnant woman on phoneAdene Sanchez/iStock

No matter how far along you are in creating a new life for yourself as an adult, it can be challenging to set boundaries with a parent. This difficulty can come into even more focus around major milestones, such as welcoming a baby and searching for the perfect name. An expectant mom took to the Baby Bumps subreddit to vent about this very issue. She said she decided to post because she can't keep her "toxic mother's antics" to herself anymore.

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"I have made a huge mistake in sharing my list of baby names with my mother," the original poster (OP) shared. "This is what ridiculousness ensued."

The OP went on to offer a bit of background on her mom. "She is your typical entitled middle class white 'Karen,' mid-60s, with a lot of ignorance and and the typical 'I am always right' attitude," she explained. "I have been low-contact with her for some time because she falls into the 'just no' category with her narcissism and borderline personality disorder. ... Her mood fluctuates in an unpredictable manner." 

Although the OP wrote that her mom can be "very loving, caring, and understanding," as well as "a great grandma," there are times when "she is hateful, opinionated, and spiteful."

The OP observed that her mom has "this random low-key streak of racism, which appeared within the last few years."

It "seems to be getting worse with age, alcohol abuse, and the current political atmosphere." 

An example: "She enjoys appropriating the culture of Native Americans, which she insists she understands because she probably has Native American genes in her bloodline," the OP wrote. "She takes it far enough to announce to anyone who will listen that her son-in-law is Native American, so of course she has a beautiful grandson. My husband is actually Indigenous Mexican, which she rejects because why be Mexican when you could be Native American?"

The OP stated that most of the time, her mom understands that she wants to keep her at arm's length, given her previous behavior.

"Luckily, she lives almost 4 hours away from us, which is nice," the OP noted. "She only sees our son twice a year, both times always supervised by me. I honestly do not trust her to be alone with our son because she is so unpredictable. She also knows that if she puts one toe out of line during our visits that I will immediately pack the car up and take my family home." 

But given that the OP is 36 weeks pregnant, her mom's getting a bit bolder, calling and texting more often. "She has also sent us a bunch of gifts for no reason," the expecting mom shared. "I don't know why, but my pregnancies always give her a second wind of new resolve to insert her opinion into our lives."

Her mom has been particularly vocal about her grandchildren's names.

The OP recalled how when she was pregnant with her first, her mom was opposed to the name Orion, which both the OP and her husband loved.

"Her first comment was like the name 'Orion' sounded 'homosexual,' and she didn't want me to put that label on him," the Redditor shared, adding:

"She also tried to convince us that no one would get the connection to the stars, and people would have a hard time saying it. She advised us to make the name more palatable by inserting an apostrophe in it, making it O'Rian. She actually still pronounces it this way to this day. She also announced that his nickname should be 'Rye,' even though we have always called him by his full name. Obviously, she hasn't gotten her way with any of this."

Two years have passed since the Orion fiasco.

"We found out we were pregnant with baby #2 in September," the OP explained. "We did an early blood screening and found out that it was another boy. Husband and I were overjoyed that Orion would have a baby brother. However, my mother was very upset. Even as time went on, she was resistant in accepting the idea that I wasn't having a girl."

A few months into the pregnancy, the OP's mom asked about baby names.

"I gave her a very rough version of some of our picks," the OP recalled. "She countered with girl names. As if the baby would magically turn into a girl if we gave him a feminine name. When we decided on a first name for our second son (River), she insisted that I had to pick a middle name that was also on the theme of nature.

"I told her that the baby's second name would probably be something Greek or Roman or related to mythology to match the theme of Orion's name. I also told her I wanted a more masculine middle name, because River could be unisex." 

The OP continued, "When she heard this, she asked me if I had picked a unisex first name because I was planning on having a transgender baby. WTF?"

The drama continued as they discussed middle names.

"Not surprisingly, Mom said she hated all of them," the OP noted. "Our top three were: Aurelius, Odin, and Valentine. She said Odin sounded like a fat kid's name, and Valentine was a girl's name. But she saved her biggest opinion for Aurelius, my top pick." 

She said didn't like it because it was "weird and dumb, and no one could say it." "I just always told her that I was sorry that she felt that way and that this was my child," the OP wrote. "As time went on, she started getting more antsy. I started to get texts every few days asking me if I had picked any more names out. When it was clear that I wasn't going to be changing any of our picks, she started texting me her own."

The OP's mom texted her nature names. Then "a list of random Irish names."

"Finally, she suggested that I name the baby after my grandfather, a guy that once told my husband that he was surprised that his grandparents were allowed to cross the American border," the OP wrote. "Not so low-key racist and embarrassing." 

Over and over, the OP told her mom that it's "too bad" she doesn't like any of her names, but it's her decision because it's her child.

Now that the OP is 36 weeks along, her mom is getting "more desperate" about the names.

"The texts have been coming in steadily and have been getting more and more ridiculous," the OP noted. "The other day she texted me and told me that I just could not use Aurelius, because it looks too much like areola, and so basically, I would be ruining my son's life by naming him 'nipple.'" 

She then suggested a "normal name, like Leaf or Stone." "Right, because River Leaf doesn't sound like an estranged member of the Manson family," wrote the OP.

The latest interaction: The OP's mom texted, "Your father likes Silverthorne for a middle name. Totally American Indian."

The OP's mom continued, "You know Tonto's actual name was Jay Silverheels."

In response, the OP said it took "a decent amount of effort" not to bang her head on the steering wheel "in just sheer amazement of her nutcaseness." 

"That text message was wrong on so many levels. The level of racism and sheer ignorance just blew my mind," the expecting mom wrote.

"I just am so sorry on so many levels to all indigenous communities for my mother, who apparently thinks she has enough privilege to be an authority on indigenous baby names. I mean, what the actual f---. If we wanted to honor our baby's indigenous heritage, we would be choosing a Nahuatl name. I also feel bad for my dad who has become an unwitting participant in trying to force me to change my baby name."

After that, the OP's mom sent a "bunch of random names" from the Greek pantheon.

"I have been ignoring her text suggestions completely," the OP shared. "I realize after a full day of bizarre text messages that her actions are probably not as much about naming my kid as trying to exert some sort of power over my life that she no longer has. But that's only a theory I have." 

She concluded, "Keep those baby names away from toxic family members! I have learned the hard way."

The OP's fellow Redditors couldn't have agreed more.

"I would advise her if she doesn't stop, I'm blocking her number till the baby is born and the ink is dry on the birth certificate," one person commented. "No patience for that."

Another wrote, "Good for you ignoring the texts! Just keep doing that. Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s so frustrating to deal with. I agree that it’s likely about trying to exert control over you more than anything. ... There’s really no talking to people like this, they don’t respect others’ opinions or boundaries, so you just gotta not engage -- as you know."

A third could relate to OP, sharing, "My mom is narcissistic and what you're describing sounds soooo familiar and sooooo frustrating. I've had to put mine on a very strict information diet and definitely not discussing any choices with her."

No matter how many people are in the same boat with their parents, this situation has to be incredibly frustrating for the expecting mom.

Here's hoping she follows commenters' advice and continues to hold her ground.

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