Parenting

This Baby Died During a Home Birth but Her Mom Still Doesn’t Regret Having One

ParentingPublished Mar 15, 2018
By Lauren Levy
Stillborn birth storyLuna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains images and information about stillbirth and infant loss, which may be triggering to some.

After waiting nearly ten months to hold her baby girl, Aimee Green was finally able to meet her firstborn, Luna Valentina. However, this emotional moment happened only after the mom from England gave birth at home and found out that something was seriously wrong. She was rushed from her tranquil living room to the hospital, but told that nothing could be done to save Luna's life. At first, this mom was hit with unbearable guilt but now the one thing she refuses to regret is her home birth.

To say that Aimee and her fiancé, Ryan, were ready for Luna's birth is an understatement.-placeholder
To say that Aimee and her fiancé, Ryan, were ready for Luna's birth is an understatement.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

To say that Aimee and her fiancé, Ryan, were ready for Luna's birth is an understatement.

By the time that Aimee's due date came, Aimee was completely out of things to nest and trying pretty much anything to kickstart labor. But that night, Aimee's water broke and Ryan called the labor ward to let them know that Luna was coming. "Holy sh*t I got what I asked for, this is actually happening on her due date how weird and there’s no going back now," she recalled thinking on her blog. "This wasn’t ‘selfie time with bump’ anymore, this was ‘shits getting real with bump.’"

She had decided on a home birth to avoid the hospital and was confident about her decision.-placeholder
She had decided on a home birth to avoid the hospital and was confident about her decision.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

She had decided on a home birth to avoid the hospital and was confident about her decision.

"People’s perception of a home birth are 80 percent horror and 20 percent amazement. To me it was a no brainer, I refused to allow people to ‘put me off’ or to force me into the idea of a hospital environment," she wrote. "It was mid contraction on our second floor banister that it suddenly hit me like a train, by tomorrow we will finally be meeting our little angel."

 With the midwives on their way, the pair got set up in the living room and labored in the candlelight. "Ryan was amazing, and amazingly helpless," she adds.

By the time Aimee was ready to push, there were four midwives in her living room.-placeholder
By the time Aimee was ready to push, there were four midwives in her living room.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

By the time Aimee was ready to push, there were four midwives in her living room.

"They were monitoring baby bear throughout and religiously I would remove my earphone and ask how she was. Her heart rate is perfect, she’s a very happy baby in there, they would say," she wrote. "I gained strength from these words knowing I was doing this for her and every minute was a minute closer to us meeting."

After eight hours of labor, Aimee was beyond thankful that she decided to stay home. "I was helped into the pool like a baby rhino and then I felt it. Oh my good lord. It. Is. Heaven. Wow. The hot water on my back, the ability to float like a weightless baby whale and to have a comfy headrest was incredible," she wrote. "It confirmed my reasons for wanting a home birth all over again as the level of care was phenomenal and Luna couldn’t have timed her arrival any better."

Before the final push, they lost Luna's heartbeat but nobody was worried yet.-placeholder
Before the final push, they lost Luna's heartbeat but nobody was worried yet.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

Before the final push, they lost Luna's heartbeat but nobody was worried yet.

According to Aimee, they thought that they couldn't get Luna's heartbeat because she was so low. "[They] said on the next contraction give a big push and she will be here. I didn’t panic and no one seemed to be too concerned at this point," she wrote.

But that last push was different, because it felt like Luna was stuck. "The only way I can describe it was that [it was like] she was on a bungee cord getting lower and lower with each push and then springing back up again until the next contraction," she wrote.

Luna eventually arrived, but when Aimee looked up, neither her husband or midwife were smiling, and the look on their faces still makes her instantly feel sick. Aimee was shown Luna for a brief second but wrote that "she felt like a jelly baby."

An ambulance rushed Luna to the hospital where doctors determined that her umbilical cord had ruptured.-placeholder
An ambulance rushed Luna to the hospital where doctors determined that her umbilical cord had ruptured.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

An ambulance rushed Luna to the hospital where doctors determined that her umbilical cord had ruptured.

After Luna left, Aimee still had to deliver her placenta and be stitched up, but she was completely numb to everything going on around her. “I heard voices all around and pictured a crazy scene ... but it felt like I was under an invisible cloak, it’s all happening around me but I can’t speak,” she wrote. "Throughout my whole pregnancy my primary worry was regarding tearing, ripping or having stitches. Yet there I was being stitched without a flinch, the absolute least of my worries."

At the hospital, Aimee learned the devastating news that Luna didn't make it.-placeholder
At the hospital, Aimee learned the devastating news that Luna didn't make it.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

At the hospital, Aimee learned the devastating news that Luna didn't make it.

"Getting to the hospital I have never felt such shame, embarrassment or guilt in all my life. I couldn’t bring a live baby into the world, what the f**k is wrong with me? How can hundreds and thousands of people do this, yet I can’t?" she wrote. " ... It was my fault, why did I have a home birth, why didn’t I listen to them all and have a hospital birth, why was she a happy baby for 11 hours of labour but not the last few minutes? What had I done? How was I going to apologize to Ryan? What if he falls out of love with me? I can’t lose him as well? My family will hate me…"

When it hit that they weren't going to be walking out of the hospital with their daughter, Aimee was inconsolable -- as she sat in her a joining room to another woman who was in active labor. "I sobbed my heart out with such might I couldn’t breathe," she wrote. "I just laid on my left side as I had for 9 months, held my ‘no longer’ bump and sobbed until my body couldn’t sob anymore."

Yet, Aimee has never felt stronger than when she was finally allowed to hold Luna.-placeholder
Yet, Aimee has never felt stronger than when she was finally allowed to hold Luna.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

Yet, Aimee has never felt stronger than when she was finally allowed to hold Luna.

"She instantly made us smile, time stood still, I forgot where I was, who I was, what had happened and it was just the three of us how it was always meant to be. It was euphoric," she wrote. "I’m so f*cking stupid, though. I genuinely convinced myself that if I believed hard enough her eyes would open or she would breathe ... it’s funny how your mind plays tricks on you."

Now, there's one thing she now knows: nothing could've saved Luna -- not even being born in a hosptial.-placeholder
Now, there's one thing she now knows: nothing could've saved Luna -- not even being born in a hosptial.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

Now, there's one thing she now knows: nothing could've saved Luna -- not even being born in a hosptial.

Despite Aimee's experience laboring at home being "absolute heaven on Earth," people still think that her decision to deliver outside of the hospital is why Luna was stillborn. And she admits that she even blamed herself -- until she learned the truth. 

"The minute we found out what happened, we were reassured by top consultants, midwives and medical team that this was unpreventable, Luna’s cord snapped, to put it bluntly, to where it was too short," she tells CafeMom. "This cannot be picked up in scans, there were no signs and it was only by using my strength to push her out that it snapped on delivery. Her blood was lost instantly. There was no saving her."

Aimee refuses to feel guilty about her birth plan and hopes to raise awareness without slamming home births.-placeholder
Aimee refuses to feel guilty about her birth plan and hopes to raise awareness without slamming home births.
Luna's Love and Life After Stillbirth

Aimee refuses to feel guilty about her birth plan and hopes to raise awareness without slamming home births.

"I don’t want to put people off a home birth. I encourage them to the moon, it was amazing. My unfortunate story would have happened in hospital," she says. "Yes, I felt guilt! Yes, I felt blame! But ... having the results of the umbilical cord, I didn’t; speaking to top consultants, I didn’t. That has passed. Emotions are crazy and your mind plays tricks in these circumstances."

She set up a charity, Luna's Fund, and hopes that by sharing her story, other grieving moms will feel less alone and guilty. "To make them aware of the emotions and feelings I have and am still experiencing is NORMAL," she says. "Unless people have experienced losing a baby then they will never understand and easily jump on the fact we had a home birth as the cause for Luna’s death. Luna's death had nothing to do with the home birth."

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