10 Ridiculous Things We Need to Stop Naming Babies After -- Now

These days, parents will name their kids after just about anything, it seems. Take the trend of naming babies after characters on HBO's Game of Thrones. Who looks at the new life they created and thinks of a show about grisly death? Do you honestly think your child wants to be named after a dragon-mother from medieval times? From a TV show?

It's like lacing up a corset on her childhood and pulling it tight. Really tight. There's no way she will make it through school without someone skewering or mocking her (totally made up) name.

Common sense should prevail when it comes to the baby naming process. Planes, trains, and automobiles don't make good monikers. Cleaning products are also a no-no (sorry, Ajax). But baby naming has gone berserk in recent years, and it's time to rein it in!

Here are 10 things Americans need to stop naming babies after ... starting NOW.

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1. Guns. Colt. Remington. Ruger. Gauge. No matter which side of the debate you're on, can't we all just agree that kids and guns don't mix? Keep those names locked up where they belong.

2. Hurricanes. Okay, we all know you made good use of your time without power to get it on. Some have send-off sex just in case they don't make it. Others have sex when they realize they will make it. Whatever the reason, there are lots of conceptions during natural disasters, and parents stupidly name their children after these catastrophes. Only ... people die during hurricanes. Stop it!

3. Adjectives. Or, even worse, misspelled adjectives. Noble, True, Amazyn. Talk about giving your kid a lot to live up to! And let's face it: no one will think it's amazing to name your kid Amazyn ... least of all your kid at recess in the third grade.

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4. Favorite places you've been. Brooklyn. Bronx. Duluth. Some fab beach in the Caribbean. Glad you have those memories, but don't saddle your poor child with them for the rest of his life. Just imagine your child, Brooklyn, winds up living in Brooklyn. Every single morning of his life, someone will make the same tired joke that's not funny: "No sleep 'til Brooklyn. Right, Brooklyn? Go get a cup of coffee!"

5. Professions. Pilot, Baker ... If your child chooses these professions, more power to him. Don't choose them for him. What if he wants to be a lawyer with the name Bandit? Think about it!

6. Groceries. Keep your name produce refrigerated, will ya? Deep in the secret drawers of your fridge where you never find it again. Peaches. Apple. Kale. Do you really think your kid wants to be named after a hardy cabbage that tastes surprisingly good in smoothies? Aim higher, moms.

7. Dictators. Somehow, in 2014, there are still racist freaks who name their children after dictators and terrorists ... think Adolf, Josef, Osama ... or their beliefs (a New Jersey dad named his child Jocelynn Aryan Nation Campbell). STOP. IT'S DISGUSTING. And, yes, ALL CAPS ARE NEEDED TO GET THIS POINT ACROSS.

8. Cars. Aston. Bentley. Chevy. Subaru. They all belong in your driveway (if you can afford them). Considering car names should be a drive by only ... do not park ... ever.

9. TV show/film characters. When a movie is insanely popular and everyone jumps on the main-character-baby-naming bandwagon, it's a bumpy ride. Fast forward 10 years later. You're on the playground and call out your child's name -- Elsa! -- and 15 girls whip their heads around in unison. Even if the name is pretty and in vogue, remember you will have to choose your kid out of a line-up (something we aren't good at without proper caffeination, let's be honest). It will happen if you choose a main movie character name.

10. Cleaning supplies. Here comes Ajax! What's his nickname, Mr. Clean? Oh, and and his little sister Cascade is adorable, isn't she? How did it become socially acceptable to rob brand names from cleaners to name our kids? Are we that brainwashed from commercials or high from chemicals that they seep into our brains when we see our babies for the first time? Only in America.

What would you add to the list?

For great baby name ideas to find your perfect baby name match, visit Baby Name Wizard


Image via © Jamie Grill/Tetra Images/Corbis

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