8 Cardinal Rules All Parents Should Follow When Naming Their Children

When did it become fashionable to make your kid a target of torment right after they leave the womb? It's all warm and soothing in there and -- boom! -- now your kid has to respond to the name Imogen. Celebs are the biggest offenders when it comes to saddling their kids with crazy baby names, but there are everyday moms following their lead.

When it comes to baby names, you need to take your role as protector seriously. Don't brainstorm possible names over a glass of wine. If it makes you laugh, it will make the kids on the playground howl. Be mom first ... hip, cool mom with a child named Rainbow Bark comes second. Really, it does.

Please, moms, step away from signing the baby name certificate until you have committed these rules to memory.

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Baby Naming Rules

  1. When you sing the "Bananafana" song, your child's name should not rhyme with any embarrassing words or swears. Parents who have named their children Chuck will attest. "Chuck, Chuck, bo buck, bananafana fo f_ck, me mi mo muck ... Chuck!" Yeah, it sucks to be Chuck in the second grade. 
  2. Your child's name should not belong in a fruit bowl (I still harbor feelings against mom snob Gwyneth Paltrow for naming her daughter Apple). Same holds true for a crayon box (when Beyonce's daughter gets old enough to understand what it really means to have the name Blue, there may be another elevator brawl).
  3. Names should not belong on the wing of a plane. I seriously thought Kimye brokered a deal for a new airline brand when they named their daughter. They pimp themselves out enough to do it!
  4. Names should be easy to pronounce. I should not have to go back to the basics -- my long-lost elementary school skills -- to sound out your kid's name. Don't put me in a position of looking like a chump. I have a toddler with an attitude. I already have to deal with feelings of inadequacy, okay?
  5. Names should not be able to pass for a breakthrough pharmaceutical drug. The top trending name for girls is Imogen right now. Really? Imogen sounds like a new birth control pill.

    More from The Stir: 7 Mistakes to Avoid When Naming Your Baby

  6. Your kid's initials should not spell out something tease-worthy. I grew up with a kid whose initials were A.S.S. I still remember it ... and I don't remember much because I am so freaking exhausted every day.
  7. Names should be able to fit inside the spaces of standard school forms ... like SAT exams. Do you really want your kid to throw their No. 2 pencil up in disgust because their name doesn't fit? 
  8. When in doubt, do research. It's really not that hard. Baby Name Wizard has one-stop-shopping for parents who want to protect their kids from childhood torment.

How did you choose your baby's name?


Images via © Gael Conrad/Corbis; © iStock.com/porcorex

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