I've really enjoyed being pregnant. Up until month 7. That was when some really freaky and sometimes downright hellish things have begun happening to my body that are making me wish I could give birth tomorrow. When I became pregnant, I was well aware of what would take place during the first trimester -- morning sickness, fatigue, yada yada. And I knew the second trimester was going to be that glorious time when I resembled a goddess and could still run a marathon without breaking a sweat. But no one really told me about the third trimester. Back aches don't even begin to cover it. Here are 9 things that can happen any time between your seventh and ninth month -- don't say I didn't warn you. 

1. Your baby suddenly becomes alive at night, just as you are preparing to go to sleep. Like something out of a horror film, he stretches his hand or foot out from your belly and you spend the next three hours (when you should be peacefully sleeping) watching your abdomen rise and fall like the ocean. 

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2. Your urine smells absolutely foul because of the insane number of hormones coursing through your body.

3. You experience constant discharge. I mean, constant. It isn't unusual that you'll need to change your underwear three times a day.

4. Doctor appointments can become scarier. The same doctor who had a poker face for eight months looks surprised when he finds out your baby hasn't turned by 34 weeks. He then discusses with you the procedure he can do in-office to ensure your baby isn't breach and you almost pass out hearing the details.

5. You can easily pee when you sneeze.

6. If this is your first pregnancy or you've never experienced typical contractions (I was induced with my firstborn and got an epi right away, so this applies to me), you have no idea what everyone is talking about when they tell you you'll know when you're going into labor. You stay awake feeling the baby move around and wonder if these are contractions. Chances are, you'll take at least one trip to your doctor or hospital, be told you aren't in labor, and be sent home.

7. Did my legs always look this ... big? Serious body dysmorphia may kick in because every part of your body suddenly seems swollen and you have zero recollection of what you looked like pre-baby. 

8. Oh hello, constipation. This is the time when three prunes a day = absolutely necessary. You'll also begin paying attention to all of those commercials for fibrous foods and hemorrhoid cream that you thought only applied to grandmas.

9. Sex? Nope. No way. Not happening. And even more shocking? Am missing the ability to sleep on my stomach even more than I'm missing sex.

What are you experiencing during your third trimester?


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