Maternity Clothing Is the Reason I Don't Get Pregnant More Often

Lisa Fogarty | Dec 5, 2013 Pregnancy

I held out as long as I could, but this week I had to do it. I had to buy what I dread spending money on -- awful, terrible maternity clothing.

This is my second pregnancy. In my experience, morning sickness fades after the 12th week and, though annoying and painful, at the very least, the Breast Gods have the decency to give you nice boobs to compensate for the constant tenderness you experience above the waist. But there are few good things to be said about maternity clothing.

First of all, it's expensive for what it is -- which is, at the end of the day, clothing you'll wear for only about six months. Sure, we've come a long way since the 1950s, when any photo will tell you moms-to-be had the option of wearing either a muumuu or their husband's clothing, but in my opinion, we haven't come far enough. 

Friends tell me I'm nuts. Maternity clothing is super comfy, they say. But I'd trade all the comfort in the world if I never had to see any of the following items again:

Sash tie shirts and dresses -- As precious as I find pregnant women, I hate feeling like a gift-wrapped package. Why must 70 percent of shirts and dresses feature sashes and bows?

Ruffly tunics -- I refuse to spend money on what amounts to an oversized shirt, and I haven't worn ruffles since I was 10. Why start now? 

Florals and pink-everything -- Because I don't look feminine enough with a baby bump and, for the first time in my life, actual breasts? 

Glittery sweaters -- Oh, you didn't know the holidays are right around the corner? Hold on, let me remove my coat so I can blind you with Christmas cheer. 

"Funny" T-shirts that draw attention to my bump -- Everyone gets it, I'm pregnant. Can I dress like an adult woman now?

"Work pants" that are basically made out of papier mâché -- Why is it you can spend the same amount of money on non-maternity slacks and not feel like your tush is naked when you sit on a cold subway seat?

Check out the slideshow for examples of maternity clothing items that are either awful or maddeningly boring. 

 

Image via eBay

  • Sash Tie Maternity/Nursing Top

    1

    There's nothing specifically wrong with this style, it's just that it seems to make up 70 percent of all maternity tops. Boooring.

  • Cutesy Pink Dress

    2

    There's never going to be a time in a woman's life when she feels more feminine. Piling on the pink just takes the sweetness level to cavity-inducing new heights.

  • Floral Harem Pants

    3

    I'll save the super-trendy pieces for after baby is born and I'm actually going out one night a month instead of just going to bed every single night. 

  • Tight Floral Dress

    4

    Why not combine the worst of both worlds -- florals inspired by grandma's curtains with a body-conscious fit. Because you're not feeling conscious enough about your expanding body. 

  • The Funny T-Shirt

    5

    I know I'm pregnant. You know I'm pregnant. Now let's have a normal conversation that has nothing to do with my bump, shall we? 

  • Ruffled Tunic

    6

    Tunics are easy and they let a baby bump just be. But it kills to spend way more money than necessary on an oversized shirt. 

  • Minnie Mouse Diaper Bag

    7

    Okay, this isn't an article of clothing. But it's marketed for moms. Even though it's clearly for toddlers. Or is it actually for moms? Now I'm confused. 

1st trimester 2nd trimester 3rd trimester maternity clothes slideshow

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