Being pregnant is the closest you'll ever get to understanding what it must be like to be a teenage boy. No, I'm not referring to acne or the primordial desire to sink your teeth into a steak followed by a burrito followed by chocolate peanut butter cake. I'm talking about sex dreams, also known as wet dreams, also known as the types of dreams I never had until I became pregnant. I didn't experience quite the onslaught of bizarre sexual dreaming with my firstborn girl, but in this pregnancy -- I'm having a boy, if that means anything -- look out. Every time I close my eyes, it's a freak fest.
You may be thinking, Oh that sounds amazing, stop complaining and enjoy. And I would take your advice if my dreams were always about my husband or some equally appealing movie star I'll never meet. But they're not. They're often so excruciatingly unsexy that I want to pull a Cher a la Moonstruck, slap myself, and say, "Snap out of it!" Here are five of the most embarrassing sex dreams I recently had.
I got intimate with New York City mayor-elect Bill de Blasio. In my dream we were standing on stage somewhere, the largest podium ever created shielding us from the masses. He reached under the podium and stroked my thigh. That's it, folks. No real sex, thank god, but that caress was enough to change my body temperature. For those who don't live in NYC, this is Bill:
I didn't vote for him and oppose many of his political beliefs, so there's no excuse for this one.
I made out in the back room of a Mexican restaurant with a woman who works at the counter. Neither the woman nor the restaurant actually exists in this case. It all sounds kind of tame until you hear the details that make it super yucky. My DAD and I stop by this taco shop and place an order. While we are waiting for our food, the girl drags me to a back room so we can kiss like 15-year-olds. Then she disappears and dad and I pay for our tacos. It's always special when your dad makes an appearance in sexy dreams. GROSS.
I had sex, pretty much with myself, on a train track. I'm standing on a train track in the middle of nowhere. My track is parallel to another one and a train is approaching on the other side. Just as it glides past, I get that lovely warm sensation in my body that most sane people associate with ... oh, I don't know ... other HUMANS, maybe, and not LOCOMOTIVES?
I had sex with my husband in the front seat of the first car that belonged to one of my good friends when we were teenagers. But first, and most importantly, we stopped at a Burger King drive-thru. Burger King paper bags are everywhere -- even on our naked bodies -- and are the real star of this dream.
I got off watching the manager of my local grocery store have sex with a customer. The guy who manages/owns our local grocery store is very nice. He often helps me bag my groceries and has a great deal of knowledge about the freshness of avocados. But he's not what you'd call a sex god. Except, apparently, in my pregnant dreams, where he's doing it with an unknown customer in the back of the store while I look on like a perv.
So that's it. For now. I dream and then wake up feeling not hot, not sexed up -- but like I need a long shower.
Have you had weird pregnancy sex dreams? Do you embrace them or do they make you feel gross?