Oh movie birth scenes, why are you so silly? So dramatic. So screamy. So unrealistic. ONE freaking contraction and it's "Honey ..." Mad car chase ensues, there's some yelling and maybe hijinks, and then out pops the baby approximately one minute later if you're lucky. I know, I know -- audience members are never going to sit through a realistically-portrayed 12-hour labor. And movie-makers love labor scenes because they're ripe with DRAMA!
I asked my friends on Facebook the other day to name a few of the most ridiculously unrealistic movie birth scenes, and the answer was unanimous: All of them. But that's going to make a really long blog post, so I collected just a few of my favorites.
1. Breaking Dawn I. This is The Stir, so of course we have to mention Twilight first. Here's Bella giving birth to Esme via vampire-bite, as you do. Was your C-section this gory? Of course not. But you may have hallucinated that it was Robert Pattinson who delivered your baby.
2. Nine Months. Doesn't everyone think it's SO CUTE when men faint during labor scenes? And when they send their laboring baby-mamas crashing into a door via wheelchair? Ugh, remind me to never deliver a baby anywhere within 500 feet of Hugh Grant. Or Robin Williams.
3. She's Having a Baby. Because Kate Bush always croons when you get a C-section. Oh, but remember how cute Kevin Bacon once was? Okay, I won't lie. I kind of love this scene -- but not for its portrayal of childbirth.
4. Junior. Ahhrnold Schwarzenegger gives birth to ... Baby Ahhhrnold. I've never seen this movie. And now I am glad. California, I give you: Your former governor.
5. What to Expect When You're Expecting. You don't get to bribe the anesthesiologist into giving your wife an epidural ahead of everyone else in their schedule. That I know of. I don't know ... give it a try next time.
6. Men in Black. I think this is my favorite one. Aliens can deliver squid babies nearly unassisted, did you know? It doesn't hurt to have Will Smith on hand to throw around during a contraction.
7. Star Trek. No, this one is my favorite. Childbirth as J.J. Abrams imagines it: In an escape pod, with lots of lens flares and lasers shooting! If I had to look at that OB/GYN's giant eyes on the other end of my yonni, I think I'd scream, too. Oh, but this truly is an emotionally affecting scene. I kind of love it anyway.
What's your favorite unrealistic movie birth scene?
Image via MovieClips/YouTube