Today's Weirdest Baby Names Can't Compare to These Utterly Freaky Olde-Tyme Choices

Baby names are never going to stop being a hot topic. Baby names inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey (have fun explaining your inspiration to Junior 10 years from now)! The wacky names celebrities give their children! Controversial baby names that have actually been legally banned (sorry, Malaysia -- strike "Smelly Head" from your list)!

We tend to think of unusual baby names as being a recent trend, but today's strangest choices have NOTHING on some of the names given to children during the late 16th century in England. Imagine an elementary school roll call that includes “Sorry-for-sin” and “Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes," (Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes ... Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes ... Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes?) and you'll get an idea of how normal our current monikers are in comparison.

Take a look at these 18 utterly bizarre names that were once a popular choice by Puritan communities in Southern Britain:


1. Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar. Son of Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar, born 1676.

2. Praise-God. Full name: Praise-God Barebone.

3. If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned. This mouthful was Praise-God's son. Apparently he eventually changed his name to Nicolas Barbon, I can't IMAGINE why.

4. Fear-God.

6. Has-descendents. This kid's parents were thinking ahead.

7. Wrestling. Wrestling with a good name choice, maybe? Clearly not.

8. Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith.

9. Fly-fornication. Worst rapper name EVER.

10. Jesus-Christ-came-into-the-world-to-save. Brother of If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned.

11. Thanks. ... for NOTHING, Mom and Dad.

12. What-God-will.

13. Remember. Has there been a modern baby named NEVER FORGET yet? I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

14. Experience. This sounds like something someone would legally rename themselves after a weekend at Burning Man.

15. Abuse-not. I assume this was eventually tattooed on their genitals.

16. Die-Well. A brother of Farewell. Another forward-thinking family.

17. Kill-sin. Full name? KILL-SIN PIMPLE. (Soon to be starring in a Quentin Tarantino movie.)

18. Joy-in-sorrow. Apparently it wasn't uncommon to name children this after a difficult birth. My sons Eternal-C-section-Pudgeflap and Pees-During-Jumping-Jacks can totally relate.

Well, I don't know about you, but little "@", Shimon, Zorg, and Vinique aren't sounding bad at all.

Had you heard of any of these old-fashioned Puritan names before?

Image via protoflux/Flickr

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