8 Things Not to Say to a Woman Who Has Suffered a Miscarriage

dandelionIt's been more than 12 years since I had my first miscarriage. There was another one after that. I'll never forget going into the doctor's office with all the hope and excitement in the world, only to have the doctor's wand circle my stomach looking for a heartbeat and finding none.

It's still something that makes me ache sometimes. I think of the life that began growing inside my body that never made it into my arms. The pain has dulled over the years as I've had two healthy children since, but it has hit me hard at various times since they happened, especially when people say the wrong things. Most people mean well, but sometimes their words sting. Here are eight things no one should say to a woman who has had a miscarriage.

1. "It wasn't meant to be."

Then why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why was it meant to be that I endure this pain?

2. "At least it happened really early."

I don't care how far along you are in a pregnancy; once you get the positive test result, you start planning, dreaming, and loving that little being growing inside you.

3. "Did you eat lunch meat/smoke/drink/go horseback riding/exercise too much?"

Please. My doctor and I will try and figure out what happened, but in most cases, nothing a woman did causes a miscarriage.

4. "Once you get pregnant again, you'll feel better."

Maybe, but it doesn't mean the loss of this pregnancy won't be something I mourn.

5. "Next time you should try ..."

Anything that implies there was something I could have done or not done to make this happen just induces feelings of guilt.

6. "It was probably for the best."

Yes, some miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, but pointing that out isn't helpful. There's no "best" in this situation.

7. "At least you know you can get pregnant."

Yes, but I also know that my body can lose a pregnancy. It's not that easy to just move onto the next one.

8. Nothing.

Avoiding the subject or not acknowledging that a miscarriage happened can be as painful as hurtful words. A simple, "I'm sorry, let me know if you would like to talk" goes a long way.

Have you had a miscarriage? If so, what hurtful things have people said to you?


Image via Emilian Robert Vicol/Flickr 

miscarriage & loss


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youth... youthfulsoul

Ya I've had 2, the second one at 10 weeks. That was rough. The other was so early on that it didn't affect me as much.

B1Bomber B1Bomber

See, I had no interest in hearing condolences. I didn't want to talk about it, think about it, or get sympathy for it. So for me, "nothing" was the very best thing to say.

manda... mandaschelle

I've had 2 it is also incredibly difficult for me to become pregnant. The only comfort I have is telling myself some of these things. Otherwise I picture a perfect healthy 14 year old or a toddling 1 year old with their entire lives ahead of them.

Marissa Fortune-Schmitz

Ive heard all of those but the worst one had to be from a girl that my ex husband worked with who said well maybe its for the best financially since the economy is so bad plus I wish I would have been an only child I would have probably gotten more if I wouldnt have had a sibling....I wanted to smack the shit out of her & she said this after knowing that I was possibly not ever gonna be able to have children again because of me having endometriosis....luckily I am now 33 weeks pregnant with a baby girl I do know this is gonna be my last one but Im okay with that but I will never forget my 3 angel babies

BiBi Frederick Waltslady

I was 12 weeks when I miscarried the day before my birthday this year- I was so effin miserable- and the constant question of soooo when u gonna  get pregnant again... like really??? IM STILL NOT OVER IT!! Im not emotionally prepared to get pregnant again - I still cry whe its even brought up- one person at work was like oh Bibi why hasnt your belly gotten bigger- I wanted to slap her cuz everyone at work knew- I just cried and walked away =(

tinks... tinkstar1308

I had one miscarriage in Nov of 2009 two weeks before i got married. it was one of the hardest things i have ever gone through in my life. i now have two healthy boys but nothing will ever take away the pain of losing a baby

Natasha Morin

I had 2 miscarriages. The first one was very early on but the second one was around 9 weeks. Hearing nothing from some people was the hardest. I got some of these other ones but it wasn't as bad as some people just ignoring the fact.

nonmember avatar Victoria

my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered this type of loss. my boss had one a few years ago, it was really hard to see her in that much pain, so i cant imagine how hard it was for her to be in that much pain. she took 2 weeks off to recover (physically and emotionally), the day she got back i walked in and just said, "good morning, how are you today" like i always did, not even thinking, and she burst into tears, then so did i! Saddest thing was that she found out she was pregnat the same day my sister did (they both had fertility issues), so for the next 9 months i felt bad talking about my neice in front of her because she was supposed to have her baby the same time, they were due within 3 days of each other. after a few months she did start asking about my sister, but i always felt akward, and didnt want to rub in my sisters happy news when she was still grieving.

nonmember avatar Kristi

Some of these annoyed me when I had my mc but I tried not to get upset because I know some people just cant find the right words but want to say SOMETHING and then fail. Still hurts to think about it even after 5 years.

Vanessa Shascha Monsalve

The worst thing anyone can say in any difficult situation is Everything Happens for a Reason, or don't worry it was not meant to be. Uggghhhh 

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